Episode: 64 – I Would Be Mega Black (James Urbaniak)


Episode: 64 – I Would Be Mega Black (James Urbaniak)


Mayor Harmon strives to understand whether or not he’s a 9/11 conspiracy theorist with special guest James Urbaniak. Also: race and stuff.


oh my gosh welcome come out now, and it’s my pleasure to announce harmontown is once again in session
please welcome to the stage the mayor of harmontown my dear friend mr. Dan Harmon
close enough I came up a different way for those of you at home
I went to a party tonight so I’m a little drunk
stop it don’t don’t encourage it you’re twenty and forty it’s not it’s not charismatic for me that star my friend I will be 60 I’ll be under a bridge
you’ll be forty you’ll have your own podcast it’ll make you nothing and we’ll just keep just conveyor belt into a meat grinder like that make them Pink Floyd The Wall right before you left to the party and you were saying just not good with strangers. You’re worried about meeting your neighbor and he Google Maps where the party was and he found out that the house was the house right behind his back yard. I had to go neighborly but there was a point at the party
where I found out that the
this lady who was hosting the party we were talking about wine and patios and cats with white
that’s on you my friend but you are correct
Jessica she let it drop and not in a not in the way that you’re used to it getting drop like I like I ate she it got dropped that she had survived a tremendous brain tumor like like like how it how organically it got scooted in like she wasn’t like playing
she was one of those she was cool with it she had survived that it was part of her life absolutely so it got accidentally arrived in the conversation that nothing could be more fascinating to me if you find that out holyshit tell me more how does that start what does it feel like what’s going on I’m talking to a person who has had she got over her iPhone she had iPhone photo
a golf ball-sized meatball that was in her head center of it like a cartoon like a profile of her skull and then from the top of them from the side so you can sit right in the middle of her fucking brain just a golf ball-sized what are you writing down
today’s date
boring you
I had a couple drinks
I would think I was a great proof is that a comedy special at Musso & Franks and there was June to be happy, I’m happy to say today is day I write I worked on 7-13-13? Is that right
Spartan okay fuck all you.
Animal Crossing at the? The only reason I was the only reason I wanted to tell the story is because of this curious social phenomenon I’m standing on a patio the hostess it has revealed headlong into you know what kind of deposing her about her experience because this is something that I don’t believe about this happened to you you survived to tell me more what how did you find out if there was another guy there another neighbor I hope he doesn’t start listen to the podcast tonight
this isn’t on him this is on me but it was like halfway through me kind of like getting more information from her about this meatball that was in her head that she survived is God struck lightning bolt that look like she’s walking around just hanging out his eating cheese with us but at one point and tried as hard as he could do like the guy goes he said I think this is verbatim he said swivel over to him slippery slope that this car accident been involved also her children were in the car there’s no question that he had total
party party guy with your wife accident
there’s nothing to do with good people bad people in either it’s just like the weirdest human phenomenon I got a glass of Chablis I was talking to this lady and a radioactive at it was my wife has other babies were bleeding and it is vacant in the highwomen I was a bad guy in the story I’m just like so I can’t wait to go to the bathroom
I just think that’s a funny human
but he’s not lying I just blew but I knew he was a bad person I went to a charity thing a couple years ago and it was for children
I was at a thing for charity for children that have been burned and I was sitting at a table or firemen there and it did they have a lot invested in that cuz if they aren’t there people are involved in the accident that going to happen when people get burned and so it’s very emotional thinking it was a woman there I talked to him to go suck this I fucking hate this fucking Charity she was so bummed out about other people because she told me what’s what’s what’s your what’s your steaks in this is like I have a child that was born with an illness that from birth that she never had a chance these children had a chance to not get breast
I don’t like I can’t root for anything anymore forever
you you if you do me wrong we are walk down the sidewalk and go to the grocery store it’s 3 in the morning year
write midnight whatever you fucking man
I’m going to get pencil supplies whatever it is
me I’m going to get a bottle opener I hear a little
you look and there’s a little
dirt covered MacGuffin like a little
inside the drugstore just another like one of a million stray cat so I just feel like
licking no it’s going to die if you don’t are immediate loan or end up in a shelter like the only then you pull back in your head and you imagine a map of Los Angeles and you go okay what if every stray cat in Los Angeles was a little red. The map of Los Angeles as far as you could pull back would be a giant red. There is just a it’s just a condition this is misery feline misery into and it is so weird you go to a camp for kids who have been burnt how can you not be on the side of that when your life has been affected by something as well
villains of crazy it look like like like like what do you do to if you if you find a billion dollars under a rock tomorrow you don’t look likely buyer the keep raging where you squirt your little fire hose at it that’s called poverty hunger and then there’s the charismatic tragedies with the human faces on them I don’t know what is the most charismatic tragedy
tragedies in terms of Charisma it’s the opposite of Progeria it’s old people they slowly become so adorable
girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering if I can smell food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no one misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea in a flight that is embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film Earth-like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
I want to bring a friend to the stage because he he’s got a heart in a heart out and he’s he’s eating and then he’s rolling out like I owe their bayonets let’s just bring them up James urbaniak is here tonight
Park and formatted show I’m sorry I listen to Listen to episode 11 of your podcast getting it on with James urbaniak getting on getting on not getting it on getting an honor. That’s a very different and hard out so James is your most recent episode is locked down and it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s great like I like lots of podcasts out there that looks super ego comes to mind is just an experience I guess yesterday felt like you were just dumping their dumb narcissistic asses into a microphone and like pumping it out there and that’s great to know if that’s worthy of something there’s a technique to your neurotic spluttering
her children are being held right now by may join us but then there is the actual use of the media in which is so charismatic and so Envy inducing it when I listen to I listen to that thing and it’s fucking fast and tight and amazing and purely driven by your resident tones your your your doctor Venture for Venture Brothers you you you you are a professional voice actor you know what’s for sale when you talk into a microphone and I’m jacket is 11 episodes of it please click on them and listen to podcast stories in every episode of short plays but the ideas that it’s James urbaniak podcast but each month James urbaniak could be a different character and the given the circumstances of his life were completely different and so it’s basically made like talking about stuff but like sometimes I’m scared of myself but like in the one you just listen to I’m the captain of a spaceship and that like this one
college professor who just got fired is another guy who just experienced a personal tragedy just trying it together with the theme of this show. Just cuz I wanted to just make something in my house that was easy easy to make and just put it out there and say that I have a bunch of writer friends to is right for it then I’ve been riding with the right my riding partner Bree Williams and we’ve written like three of them so far including the space one that’s pretty great
dot-com what the harmontown
part of the Carroll family of stars my idea I thought you were sending up that kind of plug-in for that let’s talk about these kids for a second oui in French audio
are there are groups of people out there who have it worse than kids and then people with with tumors and things but Farrell audio makes no money they’re just a collective of brilliant people doing podcasting just for the fun of it that’s right they’re good people cuz he on Destin is about the work yeah he just called a founder
Farrell Audio Only twelve years old and headphones cartoon character to be walking up and down Franklin Avenue in his cap and headphones listening to podcast his wife
Marshall Justin Marshall
and a hat
I was going to do a wrap ribs for that can I do a rap bridge to the you to the s to the T to the I to the Anti-Theft
that was just spelling spelling of stone will definitely have the words extra extra on them headphones over the ear is plaintiff Wales from Beyond the Grave
yeah you can buy
Mark Mary did you go over to Marc Maron gray when he’s like I don’t need
Gold Rush right now the podcast industry from in the movie Splendor I did
yeah I know I was there any direction did you research while I was when that Edition came in the addition to these things as an actor and usually you got well I’ll do the best I can I want that Edition came and it was it was a 2001 answering machine answering machines back then your mom can come in like your Catwoman exactly the answer and then they said your issue is whether to play Robert crumb and I thought that car is mine no one else is more qualified I’m thin I’m tall I am an amateur cartoonist I saw crumb I saw her off and I’m a fan of his work one morning I have a hat like that
addition I do and the auditions for American Splendor where is September 10th 2001 9/10 and then what happened all back was like 6 weeks later
the right there ever
additions were in downtown New York
the directions were in downtown New York on Canal Street a good machine and it was illegal to go downtown for like 4 weeks you
I gave you a really good segue there and it’s true I just watched two documentaries today and I have become I’ve gone early today and Dan was hitting that to Dino and Dan would clearly in the middle of a rant about the melting point of steel who is the famous conspiracy by Alex Jones
VMAs documentaries Alex Jones all right cuz he just makes a living like making shit up boiling point of metal in the pancake in the all the shit I would just I was so turned off by that stuff cuz I was like precisely because it was like you know what no there’s not I don’t romanticize this this is an actual Jesus Christ his people died and it’s a fucking big deal and more importantly it’s about the government’s kind of ineptitude. I wanted to I remember being in therapy sessions and save the therapists like flies out of the look like I thought you supposed to clip your Dilbert cartoons and have your coupons for cat food near the whole exchange was supposed to ultimately have to do is to
I know you can just move I was mad about it back then I was mad and I never wanted to hear anybody saying like well you know the never little white 77 of those kind of metal that on the plane with no tail couldn’t I was like those people are quacks I don’t want to I don’t want to talk to those people cuz they’re trying to JFK AFI something that is actually deeply patriotic spiritual Lakes important personal but I just said now he’s. Just today I guess like maybe I had some Tipping Point I don’t know what did you watch weird documentaries that whatever was available I don’t know what happened to me today I just drifted to the some weird Cloud maybe I made it may be many at minutes cuz it’s a community like I just like looking for an escape the pressures you know I just wanted to Sunday to just like the skateboard do it again
that would help that would help and then another one that was called 200 the ladder is the more like sci-fi kind of like what’s the melting point of steel kind of stuff is actually kind of impressive cuz it’s at its very deeply personal it’s about that it like they will do the wives of of of of victims like going just on a human level they’re just going there not saying I think that the spaghetti was the motivation like they’re they’re just saying it no one’s giving us a satisfactory answer anyways guys were you thinking
I don’t watch their what’s their theory about Pakistan I’m sorry I can’t keep track of it your head starts to spin that’s the thing that conspiracy theorist how are you where they’re saying oh well it was the the American government did it themselves only the second of the two the one that is in the one that’s called zero yeah it’s all about did yeah absolutely the implication is that it’s an inside job limited information and intelligence that you have a job but if you had to go from your guts with what it what the fax information you currently have what do you think happened
biggest swear to God I’m not kidding like I don’t I have no idea I don’t know I swear to take a plane hit the Pentagon God damn it now I watch these two things today I would have yesterday I would have got it then Kim’s he’s not here yesterday I would have said yes there is no gut that’s the problem like there is no like this I watched two documentaries today there’s the problem with conspiracy theorist processing things that don’t service them like there’s something marketable about saying JFK didn’t get killed by Lee Harvey Oswald that’s why this guy looks like he makes a living doing this by Jenna that’s not cool when you’re dealing with stuff that people actually straight would you be more content knowing that it actually happened as reported or that they’re actually was like you know how could
what is going on with a government I would actually I would be way more sad I would I would I hope to God that 19 fundamentalist guys from Saudi Arabia who climbed into planes and did horrible things and flew them into things in there that was that I would I would do so would much rather life be that like that these these these things take you down the rabbit hole though it just got like you so unsatisfied by the truth in the show where the guest has to start interviewing Dan yeah well the doctor venture
9/11 was an inside job
by then the government already will the people in power already had a wet dream for many years and some tragic event would happen that would allow them to go out preemptively knocking off like dictators and stuff and and so and you know there’s a thing called the project for The New American Century which what
but we need we need a really good incentive to do what we need like a Pearl Harbor and then to the people who wrote that document so I can see why you can kind of conflate that desire and change it around a little bit and say those people made that happen by say that nobody has ever get back to work I could say I could see how those guys that would be their wet dream but I don’t think they engineered it no I don’t think it is obviously it did not work out last for like 10 minutes going I don’t know what to do
I honestly don’t know what to do this is never I never thought it would wake up to this at all I can do is sit here for ten minutes and raised by a man is a plane hit the Pentagon where’s the engines Jack maggs engines will be there because I made of titanium my man up and down our government with better abilities to keep secrets and lie like that complicated seem absurd In Your Wildest Dreams this government would be capable of maybe it’s just that when we went horrible should happens it’s always chaotic you always wonder as a piece of school ended up on one wall and never make sense and then you have
10 years are you talking about
I’m looking for gold wall of order in the wake of chaos like Pink Floyd going down like like like in a Flash likes that our world changes and then we spend the next fifteen years going like okay well did you find a candy wrapper on the floor and you go you trace it back to the idea that that hopefully there’s more order than chaos in the world but the truth is I set up I think you’re receptive to this these alternative history isn’t it it’s like you’re receptive to it because it their stories and you adore stories and you pay all stories respect call Crave
you know lots of things about history but we would choose to make order out of things out of chaos will happen and it still doesn’t make any sense so I’m going to go home and Google the right phrase for debunking the debugging of the debunking and stuff because I just heard too much today about the melting point of steel it just herb me too much I want you to have another vodka and just dive into a real conspiracy right now I want you to like your leg tapping eagerly right now I think you’re on the threshold of America wasn’t in those buildings they evacuated them I don’t know what to tell all right so I think you have a euro
I am a human being I do you know what I think was amazingly fast amazingly was if there was one guy in both documentaries I saw there’s likely a little cheesy videos that like people make one got hit both of them whose son died in 9/11 and I loved like his catchphrase in the second of the two documentaries he he was like like good-natured like Dad like that was the way I hope my dad would talk if I died in a horrible tragedy that didn’t have an abundance of forensic evidence surrounding it he he he he just said look I’m not a conspiracy theorist my son got murdered I’m trying to find out who killed him
fucking like really, that’s why I want that to be my dad and I will do that for my son he dedicate an entire season of Community to answer that question
what is Donald Glover leaves and then like there’s a plane hit Greendale and I am so it’s Charming with a paintball plane
I Dare You by Jeff Davis dare you that hun it’s just speaking of which I don’t know man I got all paintball paintball that would make people happy what if no Paintball that would make people happy I’m not complaining but I am under a personal gun you do if you had a check around the writers room as you put in a new season together where you would say like what if we could just do this like what would be one thing that you wish you could do but you can’t get away with that one of Donald was in the show
I just keep just been 5 weeks of us going to
no no no nothing like that honestly I am and I never know I would I want to reground the characters and do like awesome compelling shit I I I think I think I think every kind of community fan would agree that like remedial chaos and Dungeons & Dragons or like lives at the center of the Venn diagram of like everybody being happy you got the shippers are happy the psychology is there it’s like it’s not exactly get paintball is awesome but that’s like a that’s like a slight offshoot of of episodes that are so I’m not that worried I just feel a little worried that you only get 13 and I’m worried okay I’m worried how many of you written so far
I just I’ve taken of heroin and I’m just sitting in my office
I just keep staring at Old Vanity Fair articles about the show but just eating grilled octopus and shooting up five episodes like broken the stories why do you ask
alright change that we going to let James go but before we do we get a look at it
what’s the weather out there is that easy. I don’t really good guy don’t know you writing a book or of the appearing in a water skiing and stuff but which entered Aniyah, listen to it thank you James
Denver area
I don’t know what I’m doing
it wasn’t of my outline I was like bring James or Brady I got that asked him if 9/11 was an inside job never asked him another question
out of all the people that you’ve not interviewed while they’re out here he took it the best
he’s a good spot I mean if he wants to stay at that I’m being a good interview concern about other people right definitely are you starting to bring yourself through their eyes yet so if you came up here and be like do you say is there mustard on my brace bring any ideas right now in interview I’m just try. Try to interview this guy is so excited
what’s your name sir straight down this week I was supposed to 30 hours which province are you from Alberta what’s your birthstone Garnet what’s left for me
51 see I don’t know what I did
how long you in town I’m leaving tomorrow morning
because once I seen this what else is there to do right
I’m a good interview thank you thank you
Paige O’Brien what what what what’s with the what’s with the weird name wow is that a common name what part of what part of Canada what part of Canada Calgary Calgary Alberta Google is named who cares what are you most afraid of spiders slipping into solipsism just took a look like look like me so you’d be a bad interviewer
probably an interview then
I act like you don’t yeah you don’t know me or you can act like you know me that’s okay I’m sorry I didn’t mean to control the intervention
run to Talecris go to Walmart
tell me what guys just look at the floor sorry about my friend tell me what it felt like to play the Indie for the first time a great question Gibran thank you I love D&D I mean I can barely remember but like one of the most remarkable memories I have that Mark that is that I remember mowing my lawn because I had to mow my lawn and I remember that the lake I hated mowing the lines which is repetitive activity but and this is before iPods before you can occupy your brain with anything and I just remember mowing my Suburban front lawn going back and forth and the whole time I was just thinking about what we had just done in Indy Indy just like so like this Awakening this idea that that I had a different life that I was a different person and that these things had happened that they that they were seeing
is like in a movie that had never existed as I could quick question what a good interviewer
let me know let me counter with that what’s your favorite color
no sorry I’m I know we’re not supposed to do month by month
but what’s it like to be you know you hate the most
speed of yours is bigger I hate I hate gnomes 35 okay Ed so what was your answer the same question what was your big memory with the Indy really that was just so that I could answer that question
I played for the first time when I was nine and I actually didn’t even know that it was playing Dungeons and Dragons and just came in his life little red box and a guy across the street from a friend he play this game and I had no idea that you could like just envelop yourself in another world and like create all these things that just were so alien to the life that you live to say
even though I’m just sitting here being a fat guy was it’s on his face I’m actually doing this other thing I’m actually this other person we’re all familiar with it it’s under our nose but the emotional experience of like actually I guess we all are at the center of your own universe is but it’s on a grander scale
so what do they do in Canada
typical day
it is 8 in the morning I’ll be a Canadian rooster which I’m sure it sounds different than American rooster
I’m sure it’s got the use of you in there
they all wake up ago
I’m about to eat some breakfast
we watch hockey channel changing on the remote it just to turn on and off and then it’s just TV at a really loud ball and Tupac
like every time
seen on the internet that I was a community related like like we were so it’s like making a really creative gift for doing like a good YouTube videos always at City TV logo and then you’re not paying for any man but you also like you love good TV and by good I mean my
we know that what you meant are you born and raised in Calgary are yeah LOL I’ve been many times that and there’s a bar called back the crown and thorn of a Rose and Crown Rose and crap. I had a family reunions in Elberta Al really just so you know I don’t know I didn’t go
bunch of people related to me or like hey come up here my parents went my parents went they said they’re kind of sewing of running around and talking about how we were all six six degrees separated from a pope and my mom was like we all are like everyone is like eight men are all right and we’re learning more about you then we can get him off the stage until we’ve learned at least equal amount about your prom before he goes soon okay I’ll leave it to you and foot two African American
tattoos like queequeg in Moby-Dick probably take me about that because my fiance She’s Some Type what you need to do people are and they ask about about me then she said so his name is your bra and they’re always like all he must be big and black
they’re so disappointed when you see me.
Damn follow-up questions
where are you were black
like what would you do first
and last
cuz for real I would go to Jeff at let’s all answer this question if you could if you woke up tomorrow black but there’s something you do right back with white people is hard as I could intimidate them
the icing I would but I was about to say I would go to some mythical place where only black people are allowed but I wouldn’t that wouldn’t wouldn’t work that way called prison
goodnight everybody
are you fucking pussy
he walked into that bar that’s called like the black gentleman we live in places where if I walked in being white I would feel less comfortable but I don’t think if you walked into being black you’d be like I put it on my tab would you walk into a bar and try to like try to just go from Inglewood I thought that’s my thing I got it I don’t know I don’t know nothing like I haven’t been to put that much thought into it I just know that there’s like if I walked into a place and everyone was black and I was the only white guy I know that I would feel like like an interloper and like like bummed out but I know I know if I’m going to Junior High that that they were not as bummed out about that has a bunch of white people with a black or white man would be
think about it now like if I woke up Black by the superpower press a button on my bracelet okay I’m black now I’m black when you wake up what kind of black person you are super sexy black liquid that’s a different thing I’m assuming I’m a black guy I see otherwise you could I just get to be just straight-up handsomest black guy in the world are you doing amazing black guy that was able to jump over a car what would it be
make make a black Johnny Cash
find me some super super fond of black men I meant Billy Dee Williams 1982 I’m like fucking oil I’m just walking in the volume sexy belly do I have to where do you live in Black enough
punky’s I just pressed my black butt and I’ll tell you who’s black enough
Billie Jean could go fuck himself talking about black guy coming to look potent black tar cat what is cockadoodledoo what do you do first you get up if you have a eat a big black breakfast
tons of protein and I don’t know
what’s on your planet you only have 24 hours of this I got to download what other black people about what do you do I don’t know I think that’s what I don’t know you don’t have that you were just a white man that was beautiful black nearest Aaron’s next to me
we probably got to cut that out how did she know it
don’t you
what is that wrong to say when you say knock that out when we talkin about I mean if she woke up with blue hair be like this fucking do it so we’re assuming she wakes up and she’s comfortable as she knows she can recognize through this again you said I’m not the Dan Harmon version of a black guy big jumpy I got to choose to be a Jedi ever I have a wingspan is like a Buicks Grill my biceps are the size of a child head
I just look like a cartoon right
what kind of black guy I was
I don’t want you to be a black person that
just a very tall trapping Leaf it’s trapping good looking black gentleman what you have 24 hours to do something with what’s on the fucking docket I fuck Aaron but good
she’s earned it
quick breakfast like high protein
talk to my car
you got to pick a car to take me to pick a new path to being racist
and I’m not well not well done my proud Nubian friend I go down to my fucking silver Prius can I slide into it proudly with my Cosmopolitan black body and I go to the drawing-room my usual haunt because I want to know what it’s like to walk in there black okay and I order my usual drink I would like a Ketel One of the Rocks please and Suave like that that’ll be $6 thank you
good to drink at a place that understands me
I don’t know just
okay so let’s say that they’re totally fine I go over to the Jukebox put on some Lil Wayne little or little
because there’s no Little Wayne on the jukebox I’m not going to want to do a joke right now alright I work at 21 hours and I’m black
but I look good I’m like fit like a ripped Peak physical condition I want to go to the gym dude you don’t have to go to the gym
or the fuck your girlfriend properly
Frankie Gibran
can I can I just make a shout out happy birthday to my cousin Ivan and that your heart out less Wong thank you
can I have to say that was a hell of an interview
you really are bad
you don’t know other people exist
like I said on stage with a microphone is had never spoken to it and he simply didn’t care at all
I want to come up here in a minute how do you know he deserves it

maybe maybe that was, but he said he was he was solipsistic and so are you in that way from Canada
we wanted to find out if you can actually invest interest in another human being
all right are you what was what’s your name
and a tory
okay alright that sounds like an exotic name.
Anatoly went where are you from from Russia
all right so you just visiting just in field study in Russia
what’s the temperature right now
at some point he must break you 23-man just to give you a good life pulsing through your little sinewy Russian Vans do they have black people in Russia
what are the names
I went and we’re going to check
if one’s Gibran we’re going to smell a rat
were your parents Rich who did you call him Rich middle-class lower class but what I don’t understand Keith explain the process that gets you to get to come over here to UCLA to study directing just for those of us who called Airlines when I was born but I like movies I like TV shows I like I I think I’ve watched episode of community you saw a couple of Inspector SpaceTime conventional I think it was
it’s alright it’s okay doesn’t matter
the world we live in a DirecTV and you just fucking like up and came over on a plane a nobody grabbed you the border and was like what are you doing
how long do those last almost all your life not really many people are you in a dorm room at UCLA two bedroom and the roommates jumping I’m so fucking tired
I I thought I did a good job I did I saw you flagging over there and pick up that are close to your lips
what part of talk to him from orenburg and no doubt about it. I’m coming over here are you a big fan of like Russian Film or are you film student are you more of a TV fan, did you do love are you this directors that love their like you know they love their foreign film love their classical films and like they’re bigger big scholar of of filmmakers are are you more just like want to do what you want to make sure I don’t really like
hi I like some Russian like all films but now it’s like really like every like only one move out to like 140 Washington it’s nothing to do with that interview and you better right now
I feel like his interviews more like is like more boring
if you had your dream job if you can make whatever you wanted what what kind of shower or what would you make as a director
do you want to do TV or movies and you don’t have to sit in like developing property has sent to your favorite American TV show they’re not a Madman Madman
would you want to direct you want to check our stuff like that is that what you would want to do
you are starting directing right
current wait can you go get Jeff and I are going to do is seen and you’re going to direct.
We’re going to do it from Mad Men we’re going to try to be like from Mad Men like not a real scene but and then you you will do one take and then you would just us you say you say cut and then you would just us and I will do another tech okay so I’m done I’m done Draper I’ve never seen it to all be sharpened
all right I’m done I’m done I’m a new international sure if they’ll get
I didn’t realize you were going to be in this early I’m always going to be in this early when that Hinds account gets this fucked up I saw I was in here earlier and I thought I saw that somebody spilled coffee all over the Heinz account. It’s not your job to worry about coffee spelling it’s your job to be a Madman
okay that’s why you need to go change your clothes okay admins since I left you I can’t I mean okay what should he be wearing right now yes so should everybody on a show later thank you
I like this guy but the good director
I didn’t hear you say it seems like maybe something like I matter of making to the shore like if you have fun call Sharon’s you’re okay yeah I’m better must be right we’ll do it again but better written
I’ve had a sneaking suspicion that I know what goes on when I’m not around but I better written rather better written impeccably dressed
what was your name Army sharper why mousetrap in here you’re going to be okay
you’d be better off saying winter cuz the cold winds going to blow up your ass hole
I got behind the can right here in the floor but 57 reasons to fuck you in the ass
because it’s 1968 and Vietnam motherfuker
I don’t tell everybody thank you.
the song I’m here first
he’s the new Spielberg all right let’s get Spencer up here and smoke some
get your satchel
Spencer Crittenden how are you sir hey hey hey hey hey any any any new fun stories about being my assistant
okay so one of the writers rooms is like there’s a long table in there’s a room for about like five or six seats on either side and it’s just full of clutter and this one time Dan was all like Spencer give me a 5-hour Energy and I was like I already have one and I pulled one out of my auxiliary pocket because that’s where I keep it and I was on the other side of this long table and I slid it all the way down the table and it got like right to him and he caught it and everyone is like
yeah there’s not a lot of it is everything Spencer does that has an air of mystery 2 Season 5 to everyone’s very quiet but you’re very smart funny writers in there but like I don’t think I’d have it any other way I guess like we hired a bunch of people who are like very enamored with Community we got a bunch of geniuses there were brilliant script but the upshot is it feels like teaching a Harvard Law class like that writers room just like a bunch of young smart funny people just sitting there they don’t physically raise their hands before they speak but none of them speak over each other they don’t have writers here tonight
this could be at his Peril and I don’t know I mean I heard you were here in the writers room
Cannon films are noisy.
So what’s it what’s it like working for me it’s just great
I mean
but it’s quiet that room right you described it well as I mean because I’m a bad person right I think I’ll let you know we’re all awkward people because I’m amazing involves you but not in a amazing way than in the talking like about what should happen in this episode why would we ever want to say anything else. I just got to get a little insecure like I have blinded okay well I heard everybody and they’re all very quiet so I’m going to make the conscious decision that everybody’s being really quiet because I’m amazing but then there’s a little place in the back of my head you’re embarrassing yourself
I’m stuck in my own head sort of the way you are in your head so I know that if I say yes then I’m going to feel like I’m kissing your ass for my boss for myself I’m very excited about this job and I don’t want to fuk it up so if I if I’m going to like speak up I want to I care how it lands script will you do a great deal just run down the other writers so what do you think Ryan Ridley like
literally only got hired cuz he’s a friend of mine
Ryan took a lot of abuse in first week or so I don’t know what you could possibly do to Ruben town community season five starting
see what I’m going through did you see his pants his shorts those were awesome I want those shorts know what I like Alex I think he’s a great writer great writer I read his script what are you going through being in a room with 14 people who is allergic to cheese then what Robert said this and it’s kind of like
very quiet yeah I want to I want to talk a lot but that’s not my job obviously but I feel like Jesus Christ these are silences there these are pregnant pauses like it’s not just me know it was so awkward like I think one time I clocked in about 3 minutes of silence
what time but but but in your opinion okay as a twelve-year-old however old you are okay it’s not it’s not
because I’m untalented right it’s because I’m super talented right I don’t know what a lie to me lie to me
it’s because I intimidate everyone it’s because you know just
your intellect is very tangible you know and I feel as if I play the music will you give us your internal monologue during one of the community right riding silences
nobody’s talking
still nobody else
my mind reels with possibilities of things that could be said good ideas mad ideas they all bubble up but why isn’t anybody fucking to write a TV show I think I think I like these guys staring at leave me like I’m really in her asshole and he’s there he’s in his head and he’s like man this guy’s looking at me like I’m either about to say something genius or a big ass hole and like all the other writing but writers are like a man he just said something good I look like an ass hole and that’s probably what everyone’s thinking about this whole time just assholes
that’s true but in the meantime 13 episodes of the greatest television show in history hang in the freaking I’ll do it my son Joe wall you like me like what do you mean what you hired me and everything I’m sorry direct how to how to run a different
that’s what we’re teaching Russia by the way I’m not surprised they’re getting that message right Anatole
well they dress very well in that show
oh boy
call Planet just going to collapse like a balloon culturally we did it in America 1
this is our punishment
we’re doing only thing we ever did was
and then and now that’s the culture is just like
done the only good shows are but people shooting up and dying like we’re celebrating our death but your show doesn’t mean that sincerely. That’s correct and it’s a lot of pressure isn’t it it’s a lot of pressure is okay I want to play the Spencer music but you’re going to do. Ms your voice when you were helming the writer
last season wasn’t very good
could you found out you’re not allowed to say that anymore
seizing the power of the high road you took it all the way to having permission to do whatever you want but what will you do having had the right to do Muppets and animation removed from you creatively you stop.
figure out how you could possibly deliver a quality show under the historically low budget well in Insidious evil Studio looms above you hating everything you do demanding that you pitch it to them about not having a right to say no to anything meanwhile in the bowels underneath you 16 year old girls wait patiently with their Tumblr blogs
you can either let them down or let them down
in any case you show will possibly are if it ever does are in the worst time slot on the worst network and the worst time for television and television history
Parks and Rec Maine
you’re leading
I tried to time it right
all right let’s go get Aaron out here and play some play some jid
are like a penny to this day
yeah you can’t wait for the variety headlines huh do you love you love your famous boyfriend
I do love my famous boyfriend you love those Michael ausiello headlines it was crazy I mean it certainly was not crazy
but it was a party but I drink a lot to get along with people
I want to hang out with her more like I find myself now I think it’s a 30 vs. 40 thing I think of the Ten Years between 30 and 40 mortality becomes Breaking Bad I just find myself doubting I just like a fine if you see somebody whose foot has been chopped off by a boat propeller and you’re just like tell me more about that because you just started like preparing yourself for his before that like from 29 to 30 or just like I don’t want
I don’t want to add that look like that’s that’s not good I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole I just fired I think maybe it’s because I’m 40 I’m just like you almost died
conversation of the party it was not as cool I was making jokes about drinking red wine and a woman asked me what I was doing and I told her very honestly I ain’t my drink and I do whatever and I’m worried about myself and she’s like I’m a casting director next to Dan Harmon’s house
it was a great party was the most fun I’ve ever had something made from grapes and it was red wine glass that look the top with white and then it went down was saying thank you wine glass
are you okay no I don’t I don’t think so are you going to puke
last town on Harmon down our heroes it just felt a bearded demon during the fight Bowl rings does labs this through the group into a 10th smaller old dilemma regarding the value of life not really didn’t really care so the game move past it after hacking a group of entangled with mirrors to death they discovered Sharpies father mango but a lot buried up to his neck at the bottom of a large pit mango butt so I told the heroes of dark stars assault on the world how he destroyed mountains and pillage cities was enslaving people to power strange Elders engines of Doom mango a Sharpie to head towards dark stars black key part of the north to put a stop to his evil plans changed the party mango also set your church a dubious move that seems like somewhat of a half-hearted gesture given this
ride with some last-minute advice mango sent the adventurers off to the North York suggested that the party stop and either Thorndale or for Anaheim the bruising City in order to Seagate from their military as the Fortress was known for its outstanding defensive and offensive capabilities still on work they March till 4 and I’m and then to the black key to stop dark stars rain Spencer
all right so we’re on our way to thornfield dornheim
all right and where we’re going to encounter Random Encounters on the way not that I’m metagaming as the days in miles past the vegetation growth Sparks this guy colder and darker Rolling Hills Truck turn into the high mountains and winding passes went through treacherous Trails is you trudge up the mountains around a bend and catch sight of it crystalline Fortress of blue and white sparkling in the cold winter sun for and high in the Frozen City but lying between you and The City Gate is a massive White Bridge entirely composed of ice the Slick White Ice Bridge looks treacherous glistening and shimmering stretching across a great white boy that howling and screaming Wind Court yes I can’t remember why they came here
because mango told us to go to the Blackheath and this is the way to get there I think and also
that’s all I remember but I have the winter and we’re going to cross a nice bridge in the forest if I can call in 4th my power of winter to reinforce this rickety still popular here for a change that’ll be great but whoa whoa whoa
now that’s weird. I was just we were everything was cool until just now
I just sometimes that they say I’m not popular whenever we go no I’m saying you are such a little sarcasm what the fuck is up with this to everywhere we go over it at the radar mule it for something dumb dumb
we’re not fighting cuz we have a password for doing
ice bridge and we can all go in there like friends but you were being a like a weirdo nice bridge broken the ice Bridge looks like it could use some reinforcements, I have power of make the other people in my party kiss so I can let go some tension tree
depends on your definition.
Grace Park
show up River episode
on purpose
you don’t you don’t fuc accidentally up a tree
not so just suck now
metagaming stability this bridge is rather thick it’s maybe 5 or 6 ft thick and it extends quite a ways 300 feet seem sturdy as he sought us out I’m just walking home.
see you at the other side right my my good X friends
my stomach and I slide across
oh no no way I try my stomach
we’re halfway through sliding you dry your stomach
put on my stomach I’ll be at the front of your sick
okay you can get like five 7 feed the bridge
I can go like I was doing a joke
I stay at my Edge of the bridge and I yell out to sharp as a hey look man I don’t know what that was about that back there but look at the fridge might not hold us all get to the other side and then I’ll come after you all right I’m sorry too but what happened at the field and I have been drinking really
what game are you talking about Spencer experience points tree right like in real life and the horizen for trees are there trees there’s no trees and the arm of the winter I called down to sleet and rain and send it snow storm to Fashion a nice tree okay
like I just feel like walking like like crazy like I high-steppin like yeah I’m going with every foot know that’s definitely happen happening also the sleep yeah so it’s already kind of snowy but your your whipping it up into a frenzy and it is getting quite strong and treacherous as if like maybe strong winds might blow you off a slippery Bridge said when I was just testing out my ability to attach a nice trees that that’s okay good
meanwhile it is what it is you’re at your stepping onto the debris you hear you hear the sound of crunching ice and snow in the coming out of the the edges of this this bridge are these large black poles their connect standing from the ground up in the air and they start buzzing in a strange weird sound and you see kind of lines in Ruins glow light up on their surface makes a buzzing sound weird to the bridge yea so it’s as if like maybe railing popped up but not the railing just supposed Scott you but they’re they’re big and there about 10 ft tall and black and they’re buzzing and they’re honest I don’t like it you don’t so I’m I’m still not on the Bridge Mall rains not in the bridge Sharpies out there on the bridge right at the beginning of it you’re about half way and your yeah you’re 7 to the bridge seven feet across Bowl ring
that’s right I mean you’re not stuck you’re just
just I’m just a asshole I keep moving forward trepidatious Lee all right that you don’t feel impeded like a juvenile puppy alright you around Sharpie in Tennessee
block wall laying down
oh yeah
yeah good on me like a surfboard what do you mean get on me like a drink while you’re laying on your stomach and slide across 16 I’ll stand facing forward as opposed to side like sideways like a surfboard who I am I’m dealing with you guys fucking in a treaty are you guys together cuz I was like it was like back in the shadow point I don’t even remember that I was pretty sure that whatever we want totally fine
this is the party at the Rope it doesn’t go as far as you’d hope and it doesn’t it doesn’t land around its shoulders or reach him I’m pounding like I don’t know if you’ve never seen yet but Loose right like a side shot of Kevin Bacon like a jolly shot when he’s pounding like through the steel mill like I want me to skip every step is I got another move and bounding founding found and you slip and fall
did you do a skip check I did and you failed your Barbarian movement I just run out and try to get as much ground across the bridge is possible to the bridge being grabbed by your ankle you find it a bit hard to move no shit yeah even so you make your way onto the bridge in the midst of crossing a bridge
crossing a bridge Ron you hear you hear a far-off cling sound and then you hear the sound of distant cannon fodder I didn’t fire not fodder sound like anything I just sounds like people that are going to tell how far across the bridge are we are about half way you keep doing it I’m like I actually do like one roll like like a combat roll a roll founding oh okay okay
like my Locomotion is is fueled by a juvenile angst
like I feel like I’m mad at my dad a mad at a mad at a mad at haven’t a read Catcher in the Rye I got like I don’t know why I have to do anything except smoke and drink I’m just going and I’m just bound that comes off in your bounds anyway you see three large dark shapes hit the ground right in front of you you’re the farthest forward so you’re the closest there about 10 ft. Who is me know Sharpies and bounding smoking and drinking those things they hit the ground and you hear cracks in the ice as as ice cracks start happening like that yeah and rising up out of the three craters you see three dark cloaked figures
I’m closest to them right you’re the closest to them I hold my hands up and say oh hell.
Peace from my selfie stick figures are dark ogre size skeletons they wear heavy black fur cloaks and charcoal colored Play-Doh their eyes blazed with a cold blue fire and I could hear the grinding sound of metal gears turning the grinding becomes a clattering and then I silenced the skeletons drop into combat poses as large Frozen swords materialize in their hands melding together from ice and snow gentleman please
no need for that
can we get over there somehow maybe we do the same as Sharpie gentleman and then I reset my arms and shocking grasp electricity and we go no need for that alright that happens as you’re speaking two of them surround you there on either side of you in the third opens its mouth and from within you can hear kind of a tinny voice from deep inside go. The strong
and then the two guys blanking you lunch quicker than lightning with their icy blades
and by that I mean equal
healing 15 damage
meaning empowered
yeah I like these people I run up behind the recently wounded Sharpie and I shoot and I pick up my arm of the winter and do a sleep and snow attack at them to try to blow them off the bridge
yeah okay so hold on activating your army let you whip up the winds and sleep in a frenzy armlets armlet oh sorry I think it’s clever it’s cool you’re welcome to pick up resica bracelet on your arm or your arm when you do a podcast Alex s a r m l e t end with wintry Powers wreath in your body and in the surrounding you you charged headlong into one of the skeleton dudes you missed but your momentum carries you skating on the ice you tackle and clumsily me no knock into him in the two of you are kind of sprawled out on the floor in a heap yeah it’s now
everyone is standing now is not on the bridge right it’s on the other side like 3/4 of the way down the bridge right now you’re about a Midway down it so you’re standing off of it is okay well I run up to where everyone knows I create flaming armor for a second I mean how powerful is the reefs you with flames that don’t feel hot to you but do they feel hot to a nice Bridge they’re all standing around the Grande
what I mean you don’t know that you just know they don’t they’re not hot to you maybe fire on an ice Bridge
if it starts causing problems
I mean can I slide past them like like risky business
can a risky business fly past your place. He slipped past his parents rules
okay well that happens you slide past flaming armor on a bridge made of ice well I give I give them both eye contact is like look like if it starts to go bad
I mean what’s below that is probably heaven right great white
somebody asked what’s the melting point of ice the pancake Theory
okay I’m hopping I’m constantly having not really making contact with the ice bridge to frequently is I’m just hopping and hopping so it’s really just there’s just a slickness so it makes the bridge better so you’re on fire and hopping I fire a flaming arrow the the one in the front
loosen your flaming arrow it hits critically so
I can’t do math
16 damage
your hoppin seems to be working
putting it in Sharpies turn
treasure piece in the ice buckets I will I’ve been thinking about this for a while and
a guy died in the audio set up close to all these guys right there Grill as the urban stack
shocking grasp because I’ve just had a lot of success with that and I just
I’ve just had it up to here having it up to here you lose a shocking grasp
you shall let me

dealing 13 damage nice
the less than shocking grasp with the guy that I was supposed to do the Platt Bridge yeah I just use my brute strength and try to just grab them and throw them off the side
alright you grab them and you have them firmly but you can’t you can’t throw him off right now you’re just kind of wrestling with him shit yeah so I’m just make it creepy yeah
play guy Great Neck is at the base of the ear like
that was creepy
all right he he he is creeped out off of a bridge so you guys are just kind of locked in a standstill at the same time
two of those skeleton dudes that aren’t being wrestled Attack One lunges toward Sharpie haven’t been shocked by Sharpie the other as he’s attacking me that he has no muscle tissue
so he’s he’s made out of pure bone
no muscle no muscle tissue is animated bone
which is lame he might as well be Rock
okay or a rainstorm I want him to know that I’m not concerned he strikes you dealing
12 –
are you concerned now
what what okay what did I say you’re keeping track of my hit points right yeah you have eight left it is that all you got that kind of thing
the other one swings at mo’reen but nimbly dodges
Dallas Maureen Stern I’m going to do okay I I put my hand near the face of the monster not on his face because I don’t want to hurt him I put my my hand near the face of the monster and I and I make eye contact with his blue eyes and I say
I’m you
I’ve similarly met adversaries we didn’t understand and I want to say that I have but I understand you and you can just join me if you’d like but I just I just want to understand and love you and my friends are good and we won’t hurt you please let us across your Bridge also my friend cork will blow you
and he will know you
but I’m all teeth
hog fence Delaware
I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want to be sexual I just want to see him and I don’t think he can blow you
so what do you do then you can also attach these fucking things that are getting it
I used I used my diplomacy and I appeal to their their Humanity their humanoid and they have skeletons skeleton from The Flash goes away
yeah he strikes you with this Frozen store dealing 8 damage
all right
I got it
song I’m So maybe next time around Hills
you know I know I know they’re probably know that sometimes I think that you’re thinking of
but you want me to blow Spencer
Spencer I’m all teeth
Sunquest Sharma hitting the pipe
no man scorching Ray now
price of a level zero spell that does 123 damage that I was like it has turned into the price is right under the kitty litter I don’t mind it I do appreciate the input but I do think I have had the best block away and damn we are very close to that to the end of the show so I can you put a flash on it
zooms into my eye and then you see you see my dad hitting me with a belt again
comes back out and he just see and this is my gimmick is just
when I grabbed one of the skeleton does not I’m not Reinventing the wheel
yeah yeah you do grab the skeletons
16 damage
you hear a sizzling sound from deep within it and then it catches fire and falls to the ground yeah
I say if one looks like you step aside like I can’t get like what would he say right now what would you say if you’re killing it killing a skeleton
take me to Bicycle to I have one
thank you for coming to Hermantown
we love you all
former temporary McAfee Spencer Crittenden
and how about James of eniac
is your Brawn and it totally think it’s my turn good luck with your studies
Dan Harmon do your mayor everybody
going to be here. I’ll see you at Comic-Con but we were not going to go show on Sunday so see the Sunday after next but I’ll see you in San Diego I assumed right
I think you Farrell audio and all of your glory of the content yes yes thank you for a lot of you don’t know your brother concert good night
if I could have your attention please
for everyone’s safety we are now entering full lockdown mode
you should have this point the gathered in the dining hall
that is our main assembly point and safe room
if any of you were still in the quadrangle or any of the offices or Labs please find alternate containment
lock yourself in somewhere if you can and wait for the resistance
to those of you already assembled in the dining hall I need you all to be sitting on the floor below window level
remain low and quiet
all the doors and windows should be automatically sealed at this point
and enforcement team is on their way to contain the threat
at this time the best thing you can do is remain calm
do not react vocally if you hear shots fired do not attempt to move the wounded
if you find yourself in possession of weapon discarded immediately
you do not want to cause any confusion for the enforcement team when they arrive
remember the acronym elbow
evacuate lockdown blockade obey and wait
as always there is no smoking in the dining hall
I forgot to mention the closure of The Concourse tube
I know I forgot something
I got to go back on bike now I look like I don’t know what I’m doing
we can’t afford to compromise any confidence people have any at this point
most people don’t even know who the fuck I am
did I take out a fucking reconnaissance pot full of officers officers shouldn’t be allowed to all right in the same pot at once I’ve always said that
but I mostly work right Karen I had all the technical stuff to Cycles ago the term quadrangle was replaced with access Square okay well no one cares about that I got everything else correct all relevant aspects of the ship’s lockdown procedure were communicated will fight them on the beaches kind of thing I’m in I’m supposed to be a leader here in situations such as this the tone of technical Clarity is usually best as I know I know you’re at the teacher can you try to get hold of enforcement sector again
the frequency is still blocked this is Captain James
I just want to say that I have total confidence that the situation will soon be eradicated
this ship survived the Multan tree contamination
but a meteorite punched a hole through my main Thruster we all pitched in and last cycle when the Azalea and sees Sector 9 the members of the Kronos were among those thing for the OS our alliance at their Victory statement we have been through this before and we’ll get through it again
that’s what we do
I went by the way the Concourse to listen close
I will provide you with further updates as I receive them
most people who do this kind of attack they usually kill themselves at some point right
can I get the location of his internal transponder r742 has been disabled
Christ care how many people are in the dining hall okay
there’s nothing else I can do right
I’ll just sit tight
like I said
can you double check the seal on the door is sealed door
main cabin the main cabin door is sealed
thank you Karen
I would advise against listening to music at this time that you for your opinion that helps me concentrate any word from enforcement the frequency is still blocked
well be careful what you wish for
not that I ever wish to be a captain
do you know how many people had to die for me to get to this position
6 people this was never meant to happen
summer born great some achieve greatness
SMS greatness thrust upon them
that Shakespeare Karen I know James
can you appreciate it
can you appreciate this music Karen Schubert
Sonata number 20
d959 in a major
moving to
andantino I can recognize its calming effect every reach the singularity Karen
I wanted to be a musician
Karen calculate the shortest route from main cabin to emergency escape talk one
calculating exit main cabin turn left down Corridor a proceed 6.2 M lower into officers hatch located on floor enter emergency pod bay on living James what no no I just wanted to know if we have to evacuate people there are 10 emergency escape pods each pod has a 10 passenger capacity limit there are currently 730 persons in the dining hall Austin
what time is the southbound to Long Branch leave Penn Station does not compute
my vitalscan has returned an increase in your pulse rate James at 731 in the dining hall to get out of it right this second still blocked
do you remember Claudia Expeditions unit biosciences sector age 38
I met her on the observation deck at the inorganic more funds conference last cycle
we’re both taking out
I was supposed to give a talk that night and I ended up
what locking attock
we found an unoccupied conference room and kept the lights off
I want sound.
A week and a half later
a week and a half
the Azalea conflict breaks out and the next thing I hear
she’s up in the medic unit on Sector 9
extensive injuries
she lost a foot
got infection
and she images me to come see her
and like I’m Cedar
I go up there I bring her real cherry blossoms from the farm deck
I mean I fall apart in a second in that atmosphere but it’s thought
I walk into a room
is in pretty bad shape
I think it’s me a big smile
and she has friends there
her mom is there
we met less than two weeks ago and I’m meeting her mom
I’m being introduced to everybody
everything was suddenly
really accelerated
and after that
I didn’t come back anymore
make excuses
but I stopped returning your images
I called the Medics Center anonymously a couple times to check your status
eventually they told me she got discharged
and that was that
I got there Karen
I couldn’t commit
if you are implying that you are incapable of taking charge of this command post I was built by Halsted Corporation under specification of the artificial intelligence designation ordinance and I’m program to take over any and all responsibilities of said post as defined by the revised Charter of the Council of 2063 in other words in the event of the person in command being incapacitated I am able and authorized to take over this ship you have been placed and come in through a council of your peers
your vital signs are normal your brain scans are normal you have sustained no injuries is this information correct
yes it is
you are not incapacitated are you James
thank you Karen no problem
internal transponder 742 is back online crossword Rosie at the intersection of corridor B and dining hall he appears to be stationary his vitals are normal
okay okay okay how do you want to proceed evacuate lockdown blockade obey and wait right I know that there is a level 100 incapacitator located in the top-right console of the cabin desk
please calculate the shortest route from main cabin to the intersection of Carter V and dining hall Beethoven symphony 7 movement 2 Allegretto accessing
exit main cabin turn right down Corridor a proceed 20 enter service module proceed to Corridor be proceed 15 years to dining hall access to the airlock and open line to orbit cam
okay Karen please unsealed main cabin door
getting on with James urbaniak episode 11 lockdown was written by Bree Williams and James urbaniak and produced and performed by James urbaniak the voice of Karen with Bree Williams this program is part of the Farrell audio Network visit Farrell audio cam for prior episodes and other podcast


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