Episode: 69 – Cobra Customer Service


Episode: 69 – Cobra Customer Service


Mayor Harmon issues an edict to wait staff, proclaims his eternal love for Erin and signs off on gay weddings.


hello welcome the Meltdown Comics in Hollywood California
it is my duty my privilege to announce the harmontown is now in session
what’s your Facebook page the mayor of Hermantown
Dan Harmon
what is a is watching a GI Joe cartoon over the weekend Jeff and there’s an episode of GI Joe Cobra the Joe’s are transported to a terrible new dimension in a cosmic mix up they are transported to a world where Cobra has is is in charge they have taken over the the government of the world that it’s Cobra world and 4in says when you buy something
display figure this out very slowly because there’s the differences are very subtle which I found profound as they go and buy a pack of gum and there’s like a cobra scanner that comes down and skinned your retina to make sure you can buy the gum right and that you were loyal to COBRA and there’s a lot of posters on the water of picture of Cobra Commander that says like a cobra or else! Which is sort of like totally like very Woody Allen approach to despotism of a heart on the sleeve of the most interesting thing I thought about the Cobra world is date that they are flying around there going my God will you look at the White House that has a little Cobra on top of it oh no look up the Washington Monument it’s got a little got a little Cobra tablet
Rushmore and my God Jeff Mount Rushmore had had some of its phases replaced not some not to not Teddy Roosevelt not Teddy I don’t know how I came to have a Lincoln still up there
I think I think
I think the only reason Teddy Roosevelt The Monuments because he was a friends of the Sculptor
Teddy Roosevelt
GI Joe were terrorists because they were a world where Cobra was the establishment but shooting at each other with lasers and there’s a new new thing for the moon Colony all right
I love you return to our premise after all these years
okay we do the jury’s still out on whether or not there will be restaurants on the moon
there has been past me restaurants going to have a great restaurant VIP moon is it going to be a taco truck
here is because I cannot an act of this legislation on the Earth’s I bet that’s the only reason I’m bringing up the moon because I have no control over what goes down here but I would like to make this suggestion to the wait staff of America I think that when you come up to the table and it’s time to clear the plates away and when use you see that a plate has been has been cleared by the by the diner like licked clean you know other waiters and then learned it from your behavior like at the table that you want to do the hilarious looks like you didn’t like it that
looks like you hated it looks like you hit it
I think we got to stop stop it
interest joke
there’s no
people’s nervous Chuckles as Joy you might as well just go up to people and go like
found happiness that sound that’s like it looks like you did like your food
I did like it I liked it so much that’s why you said that here’s your money it makes you feel so fat that the person you’re talking to in the best-case scenario is just kind of just nervousness is like like like confusion and an anxiety so stop it if you can down here but on Earth on the moon that will not be allowed and that may be the reason why they cannot be restaurants that and close up magic dragons. Magic bring a lot of society’s pains on did you eliminate restaurants is not going to be closed at Magician I don’t like Asians
magic is alive
somebody lying to you is that it is not a trick a magic trick is just a lie and magicians I’ve been repeating myself but one of how did you do that I can’t tell your man I can’t tell you cuz that’s the best part of the Magician’s Code with the reason why they can’t tell you it’s because of they told you we were going to the fucking stupid fucking trip
do you have to wear his vast Instinct and be named
Dave I don’t think I want guy
I went to the fucking Magic Castle against my will and I guess all if I can better judgment cuz of this as I said before is it is it up on stage by the close of the medium size stage because you brought me about to blow my mind he needed me up on stage to prove the audience would like fucking like it was really magical had to like cut a Roper claims he kept dropping metal coins into my hand and then when I close my hand I would see that one two three four coins go into my hand big loud metal coins will close my fist and he was saying how many coins are in your hand in front of 45 people that I would say about 4 and you over my hands and there would be a rubber ball in my hands and it was fucking Magic
so I take everything back so you let all right
has to be real magic otherwise the one that died in his sleeping bag
magic trick of make the smell disappear yeah that would be quite a trick magic bath people used to ask myself what am I becoming I should be just as I was saying Abracadabra and hanging out with my dumb hat
you ever get scared bagging of magicians that will come home and your battle because I don’t have anybody really like magic it was like all you’re faking me out here doing like it’s just lies conversations like I might be a few times that I’ve been engaged by a magician have caused me such such anxiety that I think I like a force field at the magician don’t pick me and stuff that I just get so nervous in those things when people go like around 4 when I put those in your hand or left hand
I’m surprised that somebody actually recent waiter or waitress gave you the looks like you didn’t like it a bit that was that was this weekend that happened to the guy who mommy Burger hipster burger place in Hollywood still has his mustache wax to a henna tattoo of Pokemon on its face I don’t know
whatever is he was a hologram of hehehe
but still saw saw the crumbs and just like the 45 year-old Midwestern Diner waitress in hinges
why are we fighting
what what is the instinct to Latitude to be sarcastic in a moment that you just be celebrated oh wow you loved the mac and cheese is gone it’s in your in your pupus
good boy
Clean Plate Club be nice to that moment you’re not a fucking like me mad mardigan
are you comparing him to Willow I don’t know where the name left into my head cuz I miss Erin that’s why she’s in Chicago that was heartfelt she’s in Chicago doing like these shows and stuff and it’s like two days without her and I am just a rack why is that I just started I guess what is an unhealthy I’m an emotional vampire and I when I was feeding off of her I don’t know to my happiness I guess I will let you know. I don’t know if you understand how marriage works but typically you’re not supposed to give that much of a heads up like supposed to her she’s going to say finally
instead of you being extra weird about it for no reason I want to be with her forever and stuff but you know you know that there’s a there’s a there’s a there’s a lot of people want me to be the first person to propose to her on a podcast that will come out 2 days from now
because that Danny and you can put a ring on her iPhone and I don’t know because that will be her moment though I don’t want to I don’t want to be one of those guys that does the proposed e you know what I don’t want to do it regular Style
I’m not breaking up with her and and I’m not dying you’re going to marry your girlfriend you know that the you know what that would the spots that you would be put on you have to sit in that’s a yes or no question to something that you’re not supposed to talk about that stuff. Are you going to marry the girlfriend that you’re with right now
are you
although the I made that decision before I found out yours was going to be available
she’s a delight yes yes I miss Erin and yes one day yes I’ll make an honest woman out of her depression come from that you’re making a woman dishonest to buy just like I got held back to a time when when sex was a criminal act like out of wedlock but you had no idea of yours having sex with somebody they were married to the new there they had to lie to the gas station attendant is I’m sure Aaron is there probably has ideas about what her ideal wedding would be but if you like like where would you like to be married to get it like in like the best of all possible Worlds II I would start that conversation by acknowledging that I think the ceremonies are more for the for the people cuz you could take somebody and stand under a waterfall in or go to City Hall
I think Kumail and Emily went to City Hall didn’t they had it with that maybe they had a ceremony later for friends but the couple you know there’s a marrying somebody would make a warehouse full of dead rats a romantic for those two people but for the people that you’re inviting you want to make sure that they’re having a good time and to that effect I would like to do a Raiders of the Lost Art themed wedding wear where the audience was was not only allowed to but really required to help save our marriage from gastro I don’t know
yeah that the officiant will be a nothing Nazi
ceremonial Garb we have a ceremony in Raiders of the Lost Ark
what are you doing errands texting me
it’s like she knows the show is going on
no it is it
protecting her
and she’s saying I do right now no no she doesn’t. She’s just an MC just dropped your name
I’m going to follow up text in reference to community like it like it would be a reference to my world favorite carrot cake recipe
yo yo yo yo yo
he’s out there keeping it real not too much carrot
I assume is the secret
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the theme to like to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
did you know that Hermantown is a feral audio podcast Jeff people in the world like word for instance Duncan Trussell or Aaron magassy or Chelsea Peretti why is it called Farrell audio is it was raised in the in the wilderness in the streets yeah I think it’s like what you look at Dustin you know Dustin answered his for a while ago and he’s he’s like a live kind of stringy cat I always assumed it was sort of his totem and he was like that he’s like an alley cat to go Lola is a little little little scrapper
easy easy easy easy
the true Dustin oh yeah you would get scratched by a bad news we can just go it’s a network go to Farrell audio. Calm and I’m not kidding I mean we were I wouldn’t say this about Pringles even if they were giving this money which is why they won’t let me cuz I really would say Pringles are delicious but they’re really bad for you
weird Lay’s Stax canister thinking of food at the show Making where is Bill I don’t see Bill
bfunk is Bill going to taste of his own beat fungus and
I asked him why did you give me alternative Pringles
sing right in the moment he did that connector Adam connect. She said Pringles he had a cylinder in his hands e
can abortion Goldberg updates bring animal
nope no no feelings are they baked or what is the problem I am drugs okay what are you with great about Aaron it’s really cool that are MC dropped your name it’s no back brace I’m doing pretty well on that actually what’s going on with your back
yeah he’s a delicious are you on drugs right now
your family listen to this podcast my brother asked if there are any extra XL t-shirts you don’t have to say yes but this does counted me asking on the record and my back has been slowly recovering due to physical therapy but now that I’m back to lifting thank you one person applauded and do the best person it’s your physical therapist
no I’m doing pretty much better I was lifting with a bunch of boxes for a Christian film this weekend and I met of the podcast on the phone and he’s much more interesting than I am and I’d like to invite Jay to the stage cuz I’m doing today
If not how that works
what if I sweeten the deal with some delicious latest jack stand for in Pasadena this time you’ve gone too far
why don’t we just by why don’t we just sit out in the audience and let them let Adam do the rest of the show that would leave stacks of the ultimate way to recharge and it says Lay’s Stax and there’s not enough room is a copyright symbol and it says brand underneath it so please do not use Lay’s Stax all capitals in a way that the corporation with despite because they are a registered brand of cheddar flavored potato crisps give you a way or are you Kristen Glover now what are you doing your reading a potato chip label I really want to plant these into the audience but like the first three rolls
you got mad with you got mad with power and 9%
how can what just happened I was thinking maybe some painkillers or something that’s why his back braces on a PCP PCP or what is PCP it’s like
what’s the I mean this is conversations going in circles and it is a like how much are the original purpose of a horse tranquilizer some crazy shit and friends of mine accidentally have done it and I’ve seen them and they thought they could do anything and they really just go berserk and that you get that you you really do think you could punch at your fist through a wall so you try it and then there was that bath salts thing that made you think of that you would like to eat a face yeah you don’t even know bath salts for a little while they’re there was a Spate of human not human murder and cannibalism happening on this drug
I thought it was actually people snorting the product called bath salts lately actual bath salts that that somebody figured out that you could you can snort that and get high but it was also making a three phases but I think it’s isn’t it just a drug you kids are taking
what is the active ingredients in the bath salts
something but they basically used give me ingredients and method to get around it so they were selling basically what it wanted to like something like a DVD in illegal for me package stores is Benjamin can you take a bath of it
it’s okay but there’s a special ingredient human face and I got once you get a taste for it you
inseminate somebody else talking out their information cuz if you are all right well enough but we talked about drugs we talked about Cobra Commander Spencer
hello Spencer hey hey hey thanks every time I get more Twitter followers
Beard’s weird do you like only if I’m able to keep it clean and otherwise it gets very itchy I find that people people take I mean having a beard is a lot like having like a comment section on your face
people just feel free to say anything there like a man how long has been growing that I mean that’s fine are like when are you planning on cutting matter this old guys like I’ll give you a $50 to cut that right now or someone’s like you but yeah just let it grow its like like I did less than everybody else. My question is but there’s no answer to this except biology like how do you get it to be so long I said I don’t think I’m capable of doing that are they making fun of the guy for grown a beard can’t remember yeah it’s like that like there’s this terrible it’s like I think it’s just long enough so crawls back in the stabbing into your face and itchy but once you get past that it kind of just burst forth in Majesty do you really think that if I just never trimmed my beard that I would ever have acquired length like that yeah when I was
like middle school and high school and stuff people would tell me that I I miss some spots shaving when I just didn’t shave because it only came in like two spots on my face if you don’t shave it it’ll just start filling out and stuff I think it’s just that everything grows a different rate so if you’re shaving your whole face it’ll only be patchy but if you let it grow long enough you know you not trim your beard you don’t you don’t curtailed answer it. I usually end up trimming it but I feel like if I didn’t but I don’t trim it all that happens is it just sort of like as I’ve said it just kind of Galifianakis is like I just kind of a bushier but it doesn’t really take on this a skating beautiful waterfall of manhood I don’t know I think it’s really weird to say I don’t know I don’t know if everyone automatically has the ability to stop it I think I think I think I think some of us look more and more like like
like I was a donut of hair around my head I would just do it just end up being like this weird like Dick Tracy character donut head
I’m taking Dick Tracy out of the headlines I’m rubbing them out easy donut had to keep playing poker
hey little face yeah donut head what’s the difference between us
I have a tiny face surrounded by a head you have a regular head surrounded by a bunch of hair why am I explaining this to you
cuz I’m dumb donut head I’m not too bright
that and I got involved in organized crime not because it was my passion those because I had no other options that I lack of aptitude for other other occupations little tiny little face so you’re born to be a gangster you man sarcastic no
I pick up on that shit you see
let’s get Jake Tracy alright little face
why do you keep your bread in the freezer
befriend the freezer or do you want a sandwich or do you go to the go to the freezer bread fucking Frozen what you going to do you need a sandwich and a half hour before meanwhile
Stacy Adams shoes
you found the bottom of my in private Papa I want to just to keep saying meanwhile in later and that will go on forever. Bad pretty quick didn’t it didn’t even start that good just looking at my back to Evernote
and I let the waiters have it right just don’t do that
what do you mean why not who said that what you are you awake trous if you want
what’s your name
hello us all right what can we repay some of that now that you’re done maybe we’ll edit out though so you are a weak person who has taken the stage you are a white person for 6 years from numerous restaurants around the LA County vet have no need for me so there you go you learned from white people you finish your pie the hated it
but I’m saying I work with people that have said that and I have as a waitress when I’ve gone out to eat. They told me that all looks like he hated it but you don’t like that to your friends that have been with me while it’s been said to me that and here’s what you do you say yeah it sucked then and then they’re kind of confused but if you like for example if you why’d you eat it if you if it sucks why did you eat it all here like you could say well because I couldn’t order anything else is yours to you were too lazy to come back for me to change it and I swear to God that will make them feel worse because it’s just a poison each other’s brains
I’m just saying if you want to make him feel bad cuz I don’t recommend you should go to the pants is better and some people do I need for a refund on something that they already they ate and completion by Lisette that you work at one of the Johnny Rockets where you had to like get up on the counter and sing and dance day. Ed Debevic’s by Aretha Franklin
no no just said it was horrible she’s comfortable telling making people feel worse about things
horseshoe alarm clock in the movie are you going like that
the song regardless what I had to dance to it but I didn’t think it’s not that I’m trying to make the server feel bad I’m just saying there’s two kinds of servers their dicks and then they’re nice people nice and Dixon knife people I was just going to
everyone has gone out to eat in the city I’m pretty sure we do or we all come across the narcissist equator and then there is none of them really nice people.
You got fired for embezzling later on down the road
fat I didn’t mean to you said they were inadvertently fat right now so there’s this lady comes in and she orders a she orders a chicken pot pie but prior to ordering her friends like oh she just do wisdom teeth what what do you think about the chicken pot pie I said it’s too heavy for you I said that I was referencing texture but I wasn’t smart enough to say all the texture for that is too heavy for your teeth I just said oh yeah that’s too heavy so she equates that with all your calling me fat she told my manager know she was okay you know she wasn’t she wasn’t no she is
doggy but I’m not going to say that for you that made her go is it what what did you mean by for you you said you were saying for whatever because she just got wisdom teeth surgery know I’m a terrible interview where I was probably thinking about you
yourself in the bathtub
in your bath.
You never fantasized about being on David Letterman or like that kind of thing or Barbara Walters and having them tell you specific questions still coming tonight and I are coming and what would you have a cone in or let him in the story and then what would be your go-to like anecdote that you would that you would say the practice is all this shit like you do it you know you don’t have a go to do you have a fantasy reason why you would be that noteworthy but I mean in your in your fantasy when you’re on that it when you’re on Letterman and like why is what I’ve been having you on in the fantasy was because of a bookie Road or is it cuz of a dance you do or I just picked yeah I don’t know for whatever I take over your job
Rafael you will have to learn how to not listen to people while you’re interviewing them and that’s interesting to me though because so you’re at the sizing about being on David Letterman and he’s just he’s just going our next guest is was that and let’s bring her out like an amazing dress you’re wearing it like you talk about the dress you tell something about it to me as it makes me realize the people that are on Letterman aren’t really that they’re just plugging a movie but it’s not like they come out and do a scene from it, does it come out every every interviewer has their different things Conan O’Brien let’s pretty girls in touch his hair cut his hair is like whatever David Letterman Penn State hit on the really pretty girl that he makes like awkward people feel even more awkward he’s kind of mean but he’s kind of nice of the same time or not this maybe he just plays favorites but I don’t know

you can talk to him about that on the panel or you can get somebody to turn the tables on him and wow what’s happening
well thank you is that for sharing your information
that was that was experienced wait person Lizette on how to make a white person feel bad
I worked as a busboy once it was the worst I was so bad at it as I hate people club and saw it was just rich rich white douchebags in that I was broke and it was a terrible job at one time I came out and we had to build everything other than the Dance Floor together and it put the sectional walls up and Carries giant tables. So the time that the guests were there you were exhausted your cut we always like that has a Band-Aids on them and I was trying to try out and I had 15 or so little silver coffee creamer I got to clean Martin’s in it and I was I had to put one on each table and I knocked I said I was so tired and fatigued I dropped it all over the back of a lady in a in a in a black velvet dress
and everybody loses way I feel bad she felt bad the husband felt bad everyone in the world died a little bit and and a husband got up and he just starts screaming at me and I wanted to disappear and Diana like I do anything to make that not happen I’m still awake I’m just blushing and this guy and he’s about a head shorter than maybe just like stocky little fucker you just turns purple and screaming at me and the wife of covered and Creeper I’m covered in shame
yes shut up is not making her happy like like like like you needed act like I’m going to murder you get what you’re making this worse so then I called my manager account and I left the plot of himself it’s better in England right it’s a little bit more of a terrible word here to hurt
you can call another another man than the c-word through because it’s a horrible word to call a woman and then you’re so then you calling a man like right when I’ve been really angry in like kind of like like I can’t even think of examples but like when it started like that Primal man-on-man Rage like when I really want a guy to feel really terrible about himself I call him the worst word you can call a woman which the dangerous thing what was the last job you had that before a writer like the actual like 9 to 5 or like an actual job job as a data entry clerk I think that was my last real job I think after I quit that I was like I can’t
run down my curriculum vitae that are you say that
yeah let it go out a resume writers hear that. Have that on their CV the at the country club is awful working for like way sub-minimum wage if to get Liquors permit that allows you to be working for not really any money at all and then you see you just Reliance on these trips I was like Milwaukee Country Club it wasn’t like it was like they’re just like rotten eggs throwing fifties around like they would just give you a dollar afternoon cuz I’m in the caddies Russia like they help you read your butt
because the guy would go like
as I got three three and I was like yeah yeah across this body of water it was like it was like a river between is I don’t even got on the green but but but he landed in the news
how do you say said if I use a v I would have been swimming and I was like yeah yeah you order out I had to clean their clubs with a toothbrush at the end of everything it was late like you can you holler clubs heavy shit dude like and then sometimes 18 holes and then like get it get it get it back to the so-called Caddyshack which is not as fun as it sounds and and and and watch the fucking grass stains out of the out of the ridges in their clubs for 40 minutes with a toothbrush and then eventually one of them and I’ll give you a dollar a dollar
my longest job was a dishwasher at the rehab center in Milwaukee I would wash dishes do you miss your job at Apple I miss the people I think that a lot of people I worked with were really awesome but I don’t miss like anything else about the job when is Steve Jobs did he ever come in and go like teamwork yeah I know we hung out a few times
Alliant yeah I just answered the phones all the time like like it is really stupid like terrible stuff so I mean when I get when I apply for the job I was like how much phones are involved in there like none and then I got hired in their like just in our position so you answer the phone now so is like the worst possible situation for me cuz I hate dealing with idiots I can’t see so I mean no but it was really terrible people would be all like hey I got an iPad okay
yeah it takes pictures yeah yeah it’s just like they don’t even have anything to say
lonely people talk to you
a picture of my phone so can you see me doing that
let me be let me be an Apple phone answer and you be the worst amalgam of all the Apple people or just or just an example of Apple that whole experience you hated all right hello Apple iPad 3 geez or something I think it’s got a touch pad on the top
normally when you see icons but I’m just seeing a black apple on a gray background sounds like your product is starting up I know that it’s been like this since I got it
so is it a is it an iPad or hats on my table
mold on the candles going
I have a follow-up I have to follow Dan can you be the Apple employee but we also become a commander the same time and has done such a good job of running the country that now it’s a Cobra Commander is working at an Apple Store
bring bring I have been on 15 different lines I’ve been transferred 7 x I don’t know how Apple products work your company is garbage can you give me all the free.
tell me is charged me 4 times in the last month for bills I haven’t seen I’ve never seen any certificates or receipts I didn’t even know I’d be charged for stuff like HBO
this is the AT&T store
the AT&T Store Corporate and they transferred me here
hello dhent this is distro
he transfers all the 18th because the Cobra Commander
but he hates them
there’s some crazy shit going on in GI Joe man right when they ended their was when when Destro and Destro from further Mindbender went went off on the side and they’re like I don’t think Cobra Commander doing a job and they’ve been they made serpentor out of the DNA of of like 85 different leg dictators except Hitler elephant in the room and I can just kind of here like a chicken
yeah we’re not to Alexander the Great Lakes course they they said they put some frog DNA in there or something that made the serpentor like really unruly so then toward the end of the week like Destra was going back to Cobra Commander and I’m sorry I kind of sucked up and said they were forming I can either they were like three organizations that were all ran the government and no there was no infighting and then Cobra was just like you couldn’t get through a day over there
all right should we get married. I mean yeah I was going to say only religious labor that’s not very funny idea wedding take place I don’t care for both for the people that have to sit there will fuck them have a Raiders of the Lost Ark wedding but you have to make everyone that comes including Grandma and Grandpa and everybody come and Nazi
how can they all get like melted
my name is Atticus is always pyrotechnics and stubbornly like light beams go through their torsos I want like there to be a character that my wedding like like not even just at the reception like you know like that the actual you know that idea of like you’re getting married and then and then someone comes in from the back and says like I don’t think they should get them
I know you and then you get married at the audience has something you know his wife is Scottish and I got married in Scotland and the ring bearer was the owl from what’s the what’s the album by Harry Potter and what’s up with the ring and the crowd at the fuc
you got out do that you got the budget
yeah but I want a nest egg I’m going to become very miserly cuz I want to I want to I want to I want to retire and I don’t want to have to worry about running out of money so I’m going to become very Thrifty yeah I’m just going to get married at a bunch of milk crates and knock them down and then say I do
the ring will be in one of the crates I don’t know you guys can have kids getting married although Robert Robbins have kids but they they were together for so long as Rob said very touching me like he was in run out of ways to to make her understand how much he loved her and so they had decided to get married in the world because I didn’t have to go there was that there wasn’t it wasn’t like a precursor to having kids that were divorced and usually the case it was it was going to be together forever to get married they already live together for like eight years and then they were just getting married because they wanted to be married so you kind of have that those the first wedding I was at that I was like holy shit this is the real deal. That you were plotted something tacky for those of you started applying
and he represents some old shit
now it’s like looks like Adam going to get married
why not
what would be the most romantic wedding how would you get married I was in the Barcelona once I was really broke and I did I’d perform in a cruise ship in that they made a bunch of money on the ship and I guess I just took the money I made and stayed in Barcelona for a few days and I was walking around the gothic quarter and it’s a very narrow streets and there’s like Salvador Dali you know like exhibits. It was really cool I’m afraid stands and then opened up into this big square and there was like this this week or so narrow you can’t really see the top of buildings and I walked in and it was the biggest cathedral in the world like I was like shoot Cathedral and there was a choir singing from somewhere you can even see where the choir was and on the far side there was a wedding going on there like 12 people they’re in the back of the old ladies white lighting candles in a Catholic and just doing that but it in the dishes like falsetto choir singing and it was a wedding going on there was this flying around in the rafters it was really lonely and likes ombre and I thought
I would do it but I would invite like a few people I don’t come back to LA and I would like to have a big party for everybody else but ever wanted to come out to like whatever part of Europe or wherever we found the cool castle we were just there
I can’t hear out of them so I’ll see if I can make it
sounds a little
so I don’t know if I can sit in
seems to hold fancy coffee commercial
you got me at the close all right well when we were role playing Adventure let’s do it nice and nice and early and take Spencer pinion
I’m dying
the giant more of like a observation really not really an opinion
are you really dying Spencer now I’m cool
will you bet will be bummed when Steve Jobs died no no
I’m actually I’m more bothered by it now like retroactively than I was when it like happened is it affected the health plan no I mean a job until after he died or whatever I mean I don’t know but it’s just I mean you was like you was like a genius I mean missionary yeah there’s not too many people like that you know the world can kind of spinning wheels in like March inexorably forward but all the good leaps are by some crazy cool guy that like leads people
and what I’m trying to say is it takes a special kind of person with a special kind of Charisma was pointing at the kinds of people who decide they want to be pointed at you.
I’m the Steve Jobs of thinking people are pointing at me
yeah I was I was I don’t know what what what how I went down this rabbit hole but I was I was looking at quotes from him and stuff cuz it seems like a very interesting guy near biopics coming out about him isn’t Ashton Kutcher play again by role of Ashton Kutcher winning is Teen Choice Award and he he went up and he broke it down he said that his first name is not Ashton that’s Chris or something Chris Kutcher
so it’s all good okay this is a fucking deep cut harmontown reference but when Anatoly was at the Rick and Morty panel at Comic-Con and you were pointing at your shirt you had an Archer t-shirt on that’s what I thought you were saying Ashton Kutcher Ashton Kutcher
anyways but Ashton Kutcher what happened he sixteen-year-old girls screaming the whole time he’s talking but he decided to profess the virtues of of hard labor and creativity
David he said I never had a job that I felt above swept floors I’ve I’ve done this I’ve done that and I never felt like I was above my job I just work hard and try to get a better job and which is sort of you know that very subversive but I guess it’s better than everyone dreams you can have a limo to and then he say was that you really espouse the virtues of being a proactive creative thinker he said that you know you don’t don’t live with in the world that you’re going into like like like look at it is a thing that needs to be expanded and built upon go to the Moon Dan Harmon he said he’s watching the Teen Choice Awards
teams on Heroes
yeah but anyways Ashton Kutcher Ashton found out years after he died was an interesting guy it was right under my nose that he was calling Spencer at work
this is the tell him that there’s a camera in it alright seems like he wants people are who we bring up on I know the rent this subreddit the harmontown subreddit was very enthralled with young Tyler last week is there a meritocracy does he does he just earned another chance that we all or maybe it’s okay
hi how are you you’re not Spencer just to make things different what you read the description of us up-to-date can we can we do to the song.
I should hope so.
thank you Tyler there’s like three name puns that exist for me and I’ve heard them all with one of the other two yeah that’s a great idea
I’m not going to abuse that power I was running there with the other two are with me on any level or medium which would you rather simply armas and be done with it or sitting on the next ten minute brainstorming session
that’s the third
I know that said no censorship will you already did spent dispenser so that I’m done yeah you can you use you get something something you had it really bad by last name rhymes with the lead selling toilet paper
there was a rose commercials all over those Sherwin hormones squeeze their ass in the seventies I don’t know that there’s a cartoon bear
Boyd Lodge on the pop culture references just to make fun of you like I’m Tyler and then like on the late end of High School win fight club with him I like always have Tyler Durden I’m like I’m not insulted suspense just future Verizon employees just exercising their little little little muscle in the back of their spine I got teased in high school cuz I was really tall and skinny and have perfect skin and really nice hair
she is very beautiful for the record
the same reasons
totally normal but the second I opened my mouth it was like ah she’s a dork she looks she looks okay but she’s pretty dirty so fun of numerous times numerous bird was by this girl Lea I said I don’t know if they were talking about how it well what was the horrible thing they said about you on the playground and she was like man I had the worst and I thought of her name and it’s like what Princess Leia or what it what it what it what I just like leotard
they call her leotard
such a pretty name and then so maligned yeah if you want to name a kid a name that cannot be Jeff Davis nothing funnier and today
is it really hurt you cuz you’re so gay
is gay people are amazing
have you ever been to a gay wedding
are you know I don’t think you are you proposing that my what would you like to
gay wedding right now I extend a hand if you open up a Jack-o-Lantern there’s a ring
no I don’t think I don’t think I have a good sign that I can’t really remember or you’re an alcoholic but it was it was like you know if I was at a gay wedding two two two men decided to spend the rest of their life together and I don’t mind it into the other people say they are the gayest thing that’s three people going to be cleaning all of our wedding forever
in a normal wedding like the dudes pretty much whatever you do whatever you want to do honey is it in the situation of a gay wedding where they’re both really Hands-On and it’s even worse because they’re both the male archetype in the female archetype regardless of what your sex is I think maybe I’m just saying
my lovely cousin who is a boyfriend
I’m allowed an opinion and I just think that most I’m just saying so I’m allowed an opinion so y’all can suck it okay that I’m wrong and even if I’m wrong
thank you I just say it was drowning out there
it’s a stereotype that existed and that you going to say about about everybody yeah so
someone who has experienced a fair amount of gay wedding there are plenty of people were both members of the couple are intimately involved with all of the pretty things too like my friend just got married they were both totally hands on so you know is he is there is there is there a Twitter to lesbian couple or a hat or a or a gay male couple like that’s the that’s the first question is is there a is there a hierarchy but there’s no clearer I can still use the language without
looks like the rationalization of tree people who don’t know any better I don’t
what are used to do right like
I’m sorry but it could be more passive than one’s more controlling regardless of
some couples I’ve met a lot of couples in my life some people are more passive and more passive one could be more passive one could be more control not to generalize
not everybody is versatile unfortunately but okay sure let’s go with that it’s almost as if these relationships aren’t defined by the sexualities of the car
you’re up you’re absolutely right that’s why I apologize for the generalization but would it be a bad would it be a bad
and why you let it go
when Adam Goldberg is heckling you
that is an indictment
alright let’s listen to Andy Smith.
I’d like to revisit the last topic
last time on harmontown D & D after leaving the Frozen city of born I’m in plunging into an icy Canyon to the North Star Heroes manage to managed to avoid the chilling effects of nature through a combination of theatrics in magical resistance is too cold weather having bargain for the fragments of power having having bargained away the fragments of power for Sharpies life and this is well as a Detachment of summit skeleton until they heard a noise behind them it was yours yes do you rinse Oak Knoll was back and warned of a demonic Outpost just beyond the massive wall jammed into the ice guarded by monsters and demons the party tajuddin Ambush some of the gate guard causing the black gate to open and a massive overbearing arches on Archer’s on its back that love word out after a painful prostate stimulation stimulation by Maurine Street Oak in Duvall
the fireballs and other Fleming backpacks Court got into the ogres pants
a few more flaming bolts to the brain stem in the ogre was down that’s pretty much it
so yeah you just killed that if it is a gate still open right now just kill the ogre and you stand at the open gate through the ice and Canyon there’s that there’s some guards and demons remaining on this date but it’s their kind of up a few stories tall and it’s open right now and ask this as I’m speaking this is happening they start to Tumble and fall off the gate is it is it starts to swing wider open but now you see all these dudes kind of plummeting from the gate on to the IC floor and I just hitting the ground crunch smash Splat was one of them damn it
let’s go let’s go to the gate you guys up to it
all right you head forward. Do we still have the full complement of skills and they were kind of scared or battle I don’t think you lost any heading up this icy slope Beyond this gate and you can see at the top of the slope you can the reflection that the sun is kind of blinding you’re making it hard to see forward
be blind now we’re blind. You just can’t see very well summation of how high it goes up into the abyss you would if you weren’t so blinded by the prince
can I send a messenger app is the weather quelled a little bit go straight up and you send Avengers straight up by some time he comes back he gives you a look that says I went up there and what I saw I can’t really repeat except I can repeat it was a bunch of seems like an army an army of demons demonic creatures all skin outside this big black boxes the black keep see is your is your burden from the 30s kind of a gangster. How many
an army an army an army of an army
yep over over 10 Avenger over 10 under 40 under 40 square supposedly animal Darkstar is talking to
my party members of the Black Cube
how many we have awesome 40 skeletons and a difference be tons of them more than 10
who has the sexuality type two planned this attack
and the rest of us to be a little more laid back about her
I’m not saying that the only woman should be the one that plans the attack, saying that it tends to be the woman that wants to plant attacks
I think it should be you
oh really why are you a master strategist are you a master strategist willy-nilly and go in there and just to be in your
okay thank you
I mean I’m not a visual learner

big hill Fortress into the other like you know I got to act like I like a Chevron shaped like an attack formation difference
Atari their range and I was all right hilar what time is worried about you Kristin and Christopher are the signs of blinding as I said so I you can kind of see the skeletons Crest over the hill there ahead of you right if I heard yesterday yeah they’re had them go over the helm I disappear so they’re at the top of this place I’m in from far off from farther away than if you were closer for instance you here at you hear a voice a voice.
Aaron Schilling I mean not really chilling voice calls out
is that PCP
hospitality is
got some more clever but yeah I did a Fleury right I do
whose voice was that several Darkstar but if if I know anyting Spencer dies while he does that voice to go see him fibrate the dead eyes what is that you dare to assail the cigarette Mark to okay
can we send Avenger up there and make him flip while people like let’s go in there and let’s do it so as you crestdale UCI you see all those demons that I was previously mentioning huh
standing in front of the black keep blocking the ice road towards it is a sizable demonic Force you see about 30 of those sliming yellow Uzi demons that I’ve mentioned in previous encounters as well as 10 tall skinny Knight clad in Black armor you also see two purple Porco demons those are massive a demonic porcupines as well as a massive Red Demon standing Head and Shoulders above the tallest of The Dark Knight they stand blocking the road glaring at you as if daring you to challenge them
what a great lady camps what happened well that’s what happens when you send the force to someplace you can’t see we were right behind them on your marks right behind ya ya
skeletons aren’t the most talkative but yet you don’t care anything I mean and so you don’t hear anyting fuck you and your teeth nothing. Just gone you don’t see them if they would appear gone let me know you feel the ice giveaway below your feet you plunge shit downward
do I get a balance check before I go tumbling to my dad
Princess Bride this weekend it’s a great movie you fall down down down through the icy floor and down down down Landing in a dark I see pulled placed on a crunchy pile of bones number nine you notice you’re all separated to your friends
so we’re all alone you’re on separate rooms
Chris de Burgh so we can hear each other very very faintly skeleton army I take a bone and I I rap part of my pantaloons part of my robe
wrapping around the bone
I try to make a torch out of a bone for a while then I just like I know you know what they don’t make them like they do at the store
you’re in a are in a chamber at the stone chamber except one of the walls is made of ice there’s a hole in the ceiling presumably where you fell through and there’s a big Iron circular door before you my phone you see other than the skeletons for all of us but I mean. Yeah that’s what you owe ya the goggles of night
so all the skeletons were just dead no I mean they’re not that happens
I tried to open my door
they all get up okay nice I say to my skeletons looks like you hated it
I feel like I’d be like why we got a fight like this if they said that
blank is that happen if I was quicker on the uptake in that happen to me with a waiter every like we going to be like that
heavy weight has the day hit them they had to had to wait on my table and the other already bummed out it’s like they’re just a sad situation for everybody if you just stare at them and maintain unblinking eye contact. I mean these are all just things like I’m not going to condition and I’m saying like they have to stop at come up with ways to make them miserable in response in the future maybe I should become a better person in general if I could have done something right now if I care enough about it I’ll bring literature that’s like how they can opt out of saying that
leave it leave it on the table I’ll just go eat so you know you don’t have to do a bit when you see crumbs on the plate
you guys are calling you fat when they say that it’s honestly not I just think it’s like a tiny little example of how we just kind of had this habit so just go to like you know just catch phrases and got milk too much information on things like we just but that’s an example of one that kind of like in that tiny little like confusion and anxiety happen never happiness ever
yeah but sometimes although you’re talking to somebody who kind of feels bad that they melt down the bucket of chicken is left on the plane you must have hated it
what restaurant are you going to eat a bucket of chicken
Kar what are you like this is actually like a Comic-Con panel years going to catch me in a
price of one of the doors and walls made of ice right you were open for inside you see a large gray skin humanoid creature with blazing eyes and large Rams horns he gives the mighty don’t Rob Roar and then closes the door
are you find the men’s room
I wouldn’t go in there if I were you I’d try opening my door yeah
know this door opens into a larger I see chamber and flitting around said I see chamber is a small blue amp flying around on bat wings okay yeah behind him you can see your staircase going upwards
why are we what are you doing stop that can talk to me when you doing you guys can hear that faint late it doesn’t respond to you though yeah this is bulshit had fun around in his room I don’t know what he’s doing is a big horn face guy outside my door
I’m just hanging out this sucks on your door and see what’s up there more rain and and Sharpie
I would like to open the door you open the door and it swings open inside you can see a horrendous assortment of rusted metal blades on a rusted metal pools in the door open to hear a clacking at the metallic limbs flutter and several of them fly out of the door lunging at you
you should use my test by flaming armor to melt the metal sponge out the big miss miss you as you activated I miss something awesome that’s great
anyway yeah and then you activate your ear flaming armor in it starts to kind of melt these things a little bit melt so much is making red hot but some sort of I mean melting definitely increasing the temperature let’s say that
so bad for doing nothing what I mean it didn’t do nothing today damage or the other walls are made of stone except for these ice walls I go up to my door I’m just going to give it a little open
a big open swings open and reveals several Frozen intact corpses they look like adventurers their bodies are adorned in fine items and equipments and of course a tragedy
what what kind of fine items or do I just procure them sure you procure for cloaks of resistance for rings of protection to boots of wintry might and agent iparis to boots of sprite springing defrost when am I when did Assassin’s dagger I know what that woman Decker is it rechargeable
so that you got a big horn guy outside my door
wow wow why do you know what have a dagger he has a my way to get to him yeah I did the things are keeping it from each other at the wall voices coming from hay
oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God
totally fine
I try to Sharpie Sharpie
how about it guys boots of shimmering and knives and flaking the shapes of resistance will they do resistance or resist what I mean stuff what weapons Mighty Greatsword whisper bow ribbon dagger and a raw defrost
alright probably does have a longer attached to it in which maybe I could throw it and take it back oh my God
got a brain
Chris de Burgh got a knife with a rope free tied to so amazing that would be Mighty Greatsword it’s super mighty
it’s like bigger than the last one all right how much larger is it than him now
like let’s see a lot of the last one was roughly 25% longer than him I would say this one’s at least 35% longer than him it’s stay if you’re like 3 ft 3 in and have to be do the math
4 foot 2 in plants are way people can bookmark this part of the podcast so they can just skip right to it
I don’t know that technology exists.
All right if we if we have to invent it could I suggest for a name highlight finder
thrill seeker
all right and about my rod of both of you get the sense that cast spells studying but once that day is over who boy
please close the resistance can be done without me having to choose to take off anything else right like I might just have my wizardly robes you have a cape like your dad’s Cape I think those kind are in the same place I mean oh yeah it’s just not charger
no it recharges once per day and you used it tried to use it twice today and forgot about it
in my defense I finally remembered I had a purge
I’ll take inventory real quick
how to teleport to Tatian keep this whole time
Catholic gross didn’t climb out on it okay
how do you say you’re holding out on this man I mean sharpening can I remind you guys that the reason you found all this shit is because I forgot I had all that stuff
the next time I look it up I don’t like the way you guys are looking at me
all right I’m going to take that climbing Rod that I have that that that I fell through anyway we can walk through Chris De burgh’s door towards the blue imp staircase threatening yeah
what happens to me I walk into the room with the blue wings still on the other side of chambers that staircase of the mansion in chunks of ice and snow are beginning to be lifted up off the floor in the walls are pulling off the walls in their flying towards the demon in case in them in ice and snow and keeps building up and building up until look like a giant snowflake flown around the air we should kill that thing yeah so there’s this blue empty elements I’m turning into the
in for a moment silent movie
I saw the sub-reddit everyone jacking you off you’re the best DND player in the world
you didn’t see if you did very well sorry I don’t have to do more terrible I was at I was not trying to show you I’m expressing my jealousy I’m just saying I I I I love you I need I need I kneel in front of the Snowflake and I stay in three different languages hello
that’s how you do it Tyler weight is one of us one of us terrible thing, and I can calm and intensify hail sleet and snow piece of thing before it kills Us in the middle of the snowflake kind of glue blue
yeah yeah like that that means hello back and nose man you don’t speak with think it’s flown in the air you use your armlet and it continues to float in the air ice ice age do it I don’t know if you can communicate with us but I am making the assumption that you like us are prisoners in this in this dungeon that that you ran afoul of Admiral Darkstar I thought you might be able to help us defeat him it’s the special spot in the center of mass and it turns red and starts spinning around like a saw blade
alright I guess
Chris de Burgh you got hit with a ribbon on it
I want to see the river. Okay
I’ve never used one of these before okay so you’re not you’re not oh yeah and how this stuff works anyway it does hit him for anyone wondering can I pull it back
yeah yeah that happens when you deal one damage
Mighty fire sword attack
I think you have your parts ordered for the day used up the jump up there but I will be a bit of an exertion take a piece of this snowflake
I heard you’re not the same as all of your counterparts but the pain I inflicted will be identical at work shopping at a workshop a joke by step
ice ice I throw my my snowflake related quips to a room or writers room
your Clips get workshops as you’re giving this thumbs up it kind of throws off your chicken stack of adventurers balance then you just kind of top of the ground it’s hard to balance and thumbs up and stab people in back and regroup at the whisper Bell
why are we Whispering I want to talk I can’t hear what’s happening
may I use my whisper bow to pro341 your arrows at the snowflake
one of your arrows strikes hitting its Mark Mark being the snowflake in this instance
dil7 dammit
you see some of the ice kind of melting trip off on the floor
that’s what fire does dies
Sharpie scorching Ray scorching Ray
it strikes directly in the center of mass in that glowing red eyeball part I was mentioning sweet and it deals 13.
It continues its rapid spinning and it kind of spins around the whole room attempting to slice into your torso / midsections
I mean not bad I don’t even know more rain and Chris de Burgh each gets truck
they each take will Chris de Burgh takes 12 damage and frantic 6 dark shadows
yeah I know I don’t listen to that girl again I get you’re getting good at it, this is the worst idea critical hit
what happened
dealing for damn sure
where’s the term critical Loosely hair
let me put it to you this again
slightly you know I don’t know I’ll leave
wow yeah your attack lands a lot better than your bad pun
or your delivery for my execution of that attempt to a joke or that execution Elaine 14.
You see it at chunk of ice kind of fall off of his body snowflake into the ground to bet Isaiah keep riding on Chris de Burgh and as I look back with my sword in there I go welcome to meltdown I throw him out of the ground I like that one
put a gizmo ring Stern try speaking it in elf maybe it’s an Elvis snowflake what do you want to stay in elf
tell the snowflake I think it’s very pretty in speaking in Elven the snowflake doesn’t respond the whisper bow however does and you can see there’s rooms on its surface you couldn’t notice before they’re beginning to glow light up your Elven speech
in your face Chris de Burgh
it’s just kind of a new will they won’t they kind of here
where did Sam and Diane sexual relationship
who would plan the wedding
really dresses.
it’s still your turn now you’re just withdraw talking in Elvish that doesn’t take up a turn whisper to your bow and an Elven and make it make it like make its Arrows fly true may I use one more Arrow to shoot from your whisper bow
both of them strike their Mark plunging deep into the snowflake dealing
stealing 33.
You should you should talk to your Bomar
damn that was talking to you about the arrows into the Snowflake and plop to the floor in the rear bow kind of faded color like goes back to normal I walk up to the infinite and I say Ice to fuck you
Ice to fuck you
coming to Hermantown that’s all of you
Spencer Crittenden
are you sure
expensive bouncer yeah
thank you all we love you goodnight


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