Episode: 300 – We Do Right by Whatever You Are


Episode: 300 – We Do Right by Whatever You Are


We celebrate the 300th episode by looking back at our favorite moments. Kumail Nanjiani, Emily Gordon, Rob Schrab, Steve Agee and Brandon Johnson help us jump the shark with our first clip show. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden, Emily V. Gordon, Kumail Nanjiani, Rob Schrab, Brandon Johnson and Steve Agee. Clips include Open Mike Eagle, Mitch Hurwitz, Curtis Armstrong, DeMorge Brown, Erin McGathy, Bobcat Goldthwait, John Mayer and Jonah Ray.


what’s up Dumbledore glamorous how you doing tonight
as you can see we got a lot of lot of chairs up here because we got a whole lot of show number 308
everybody up on stage and do the president
all right the dynasty typewriter at the Hayworth and beautiful MacArthur Park Los Angeles the 300th harmontown is now in session
Spencer Crittenden everybody
what time Spencer
why do we have bills do we know about this the buzz in all right you got more candle mccandles I got subtle accessories speaking of accessories that bring out the mayor of harmontown message Dan Harmon
five things are being nice. Let’s bring it back from there we don’t want to do that till like the end of the concert you guys tried to Telegraph to you for the teachable moment it’s it’s an act of cowardice to kick over a chair that you’ve tripped over
it would have been brave for me to say I tripped over a chair that would have been the the the machismo move but I did what a rock-and-roller sometimes does cornered by their own Glory
I was like yeah I mention that I hate you a boy
I threw it on the ground speaking of paradoxes is the plural of paradox paradoxes what is the paradoxes okay
welcome to the 300th episode of of a thing that we never plan and we knew we do you do the only person that has been for all three hundred I never really thought about that Shrine this 50 or so but you know what I can’t either maybe I just can’t fill these shoes can’t do it would revolt
yeah we still have some some shoes subscribers oh yeah yeah
I I thank you for it. For those of you who were newcomers of those of you who have been here with us and followed us through all our venues what tonight’s going to be a night of probably remembrance unavoidably like middle-aged alcoholics are casually repeating ourselves but I was listening to podcasts last week a big deal about that being a bad thing to do our own show tonight to play for him he’ll probably won’t disrupt it at all
are we got we didn’t want to go overboard with the gas so you know I did I did like like what do you you know what let’s get Doug Henning out here that was a magician whatever it was like I think I think I think probably under $200 I 100 so we probably had the same like I’m always like will get us our progenitor of the person without whom we we we wouldn’t have said I would have started doing the podcast of will will will will will bring her in her but her husband, comes along with her wherever she goes out of his kind of a tag-along will bring her out in a second but just wanted to do before she comes out I wanted to keep it classy talk to you about the fact that I’m shooting my brains out right now right now
something is happening to me they hate something beautiful it’s only because I’m experiencing for the first time in my life just pure diarrhea without any other symptoms so it’s like like you just sit your ass is just a faucet like I don’t have a fever I don’t have I don’t I don’t have a tummy ache even I just have like a like I’ll eat a cracker and my body will go would you want to turn that into 4 oz of water
and the irony is I drink anything I’m even testing the theory I can drink anything I’m drinking a Coors Light right now like I like it doesn’t do anything with that but there’s Pizza backstage and I was like I can’t nibble that or my body will go into the juicer mode I have no idea what’s happening has been happening all weekend and then it was I’m surviving on Imodium and what’s up you know what it means you’re in love
that’s where possible and Dave Klein’s Theory which is that my body is sitting out all its fat
Family Guy sitting right near me I think last week we proved that he has no actual qualifications as a as a trainer that’s the most fit person in the whole world that sounds so I’m working with the only guy that I would ever be this long into working out and still show up every every time like I would I would have bailed so long ago on like any kind of like a real cuz it makes you sound unreal sometimes I believe that I’m the only one
but I there’s absolutely no way there’s no way I would ever do the fucking like did the fucking trainer that’s like supposedly like the real thing I had to go to Dave Klein all right anyways and I’m going to live like 5 years longer at least because of it unless I shit out my soul tonight I don’t know if I did I run over a gypsy baby and I don’t do that don’t do that. The diarrhea is right away yeah tonight my theory is his but thinks it’s his dick
he keep peeing out his butt
you sorry what was our Theory you’ve made of that Siri you’re trying to appeal to a demographic
which demographic would that be
our theory was at his I’ve been eating these protein bars like I got these fake alcohol-based sugar like substitute that it finally got to a Tipping Point where her body is like so we live on the moon now but like like like so you just going to have fun all right like like maybe I’ll help you Propel like lick lick lick I think I think I think your body like if you starve it your body goes into ketosis if you know there’s your body reacts to certain things as taking anybody goes okay so we’re obviously being hunted right now so here’s how they’ll react right here on the moon if you if you eat enough of this existence that act like protein bar your body eventually goes Super moonrakers like like let’s just poop liquid
I don’t know I thought you guys would enjoy that Siri but like like part of our 300th episode is going to be a recalibration of our social contract I’m sorry if sometimes I let you know after you don’t react to something that you should have reacted to it I never mean to do that to you a lot of a century is just about pooping in the toilet Craftsman like I don’t I don’t just connect whatever. They’re yeah that would be dumb
I don’t think there’s anything else before we start bringing that friends and just looking back oh boy if you didn’t like the last thing I thought you’d laugh at yo love not laughing at this
here we go
the ultimate Paradox I thought is that was getting dressed this morning the more slimming your shirt color the more dandruff enhancing
is a driving to work I’m with Jesus fucking dog hair and dandruff from like a black shirt so cuz you don’t want people to look like you’re fat you’re trying to like be like the Venom suit in like give you you’ve fallen for that theory that if there’s no color that you could like those people won’t see your body you’ll be a shadow
if it means that I like but I like what’s going on with your hair in your beard right now like I like the like the whole design right now I put a little shampoo this morning and I am so if you got to give it a couple days to oil back down recently into being almost completely gray haired but they used to be like that happen pretty much like one of the captains of like the deadliest cat she looks like.
the Deadliest Catch of all life
something to eat here with that crap comes up
it’s full it’s full of hands of time three hundred miles off the Bering Sea will it rolling you are official sponsor of the podcast thing I never would have done it she said one night at the Roost you should do a podcast and then I kind of resisted it for a while and did a show at nerd Melton and then started doing it and and she’s also the reason why I your favorite person in the world
that you miss so much all the time is what used to be on the show before he became so valuable to you that he had to go away and her view from a different year of reality let’s let’s wear
I don’t hate him I hate the audience for loving him by the whistle for I hate harmontown is I miss Camille like
hello everybody
did you hear the damn hate you yeah I know I heard I think you like Lucifer talking about God
wow wow that’s crazy you really resent him that’s good I mean do it quite a bit yeah I’m changing microphones that one has a dent in it and I feel like I’m better than that now
microphone have a fucking dented microphone I’m gone
yeah well good luck with that it’s cool freak Show we’ve really got me to unrelatable comedy Now what we just talked about the lumpiness of the microphones were talking into so trying to get make them laugh by doing the meme of like I miss Camille and it just I guess people like to think that I I guess maybe they were no don’t be that Emily are you proud or are you ashamed of what you’ve created over 300 episodes
both is both an option
thank you thank you
the show you started out doing was we’re all going to go to the Moon how will we survive there and every week explored that topic that was the original conceit for the first couple episodes and and now it’s 300 episodes later and Trump is going to the moon and I don’t want to dig a hole and hide and I listen I don’t want to be loud when I do but I I like Spencer’s theory that your butt is big of a dick
it just thinks it’s a dick out of your penis cuz then we can be sure that he got that sounds oddly like satisfying like I said I’ll never put back my penis soft serve the CarMax or what it what’s the thing is like the the select the lip balm might be hauled and then it has like that really satisfying narrow like like a worm that comes out with it if you were a chef I mean obviously you want to go
did you have to squat for that I think you could do it standing you could do it standing
questions I can answer this something that you said about shaving cuz Mama I’m washing my hair I member a lion or a joke about washing are but you have haunted me with the thing that you said that you can never wipe enough never done because my butt is like an endless can of shoe polish
that is stuck with me and it will stay with me until I have Alzheimer’s
well then someone sent me that mean that was like I got from Parks and Rec tiger Chris Pratt Dudley things like it’s white it’s like wiping a magic marker and he and he was like thank you you you stole that and I was like no you probably still I do who knows who stole what I mean when I wipe my ass it never stops great great minds think alike
great asses White Bear Lake
I thought that’s what Jeff was doing I thought he was setting up a clip supposed to be a video listener sound down but here’s a here’s a little clip of our friend of the podcast Rob schrab wondering about space exploration why don’t we ever go down that’s not a shrub
celebrating 300 go down
that’s weird because watch their mouth movie remember how come when we when we when we go into space how come we’ve never gone down
where was going to the Moon
are going marrow scented stuff out of Play-Doh planets explain why do we always go why do we always go and we’re going to go to we could run your own other stores take a right under us we never will I get on my partner complex in Lee’s Summit rocket takes off at just goes left it doesn’t go whenever go down
you know I need to get that white hydros. Pulled needs a like like a rocket micciche when you when you’re making those little like mobiles of the of the solar system is just a flat and nobody ever go down because then and then you hit a baby
what does The Conjuring 2 based on a mobile mobile boat building
Hotel happy
hey thank you for the chair Dan yeah what we do we do we try to do right by her whatever you are I still don’t know what I am I hate that you you said you didn’t like the chair we got a new chair I didn’t I don’t like I don’t like the chairs are too high for you I’m referencing the clip with just watch an eclipse we play then the person in the clip is going to come out that’s not true at all we are absolutely chaps not going to be like in Curtis Armstrong saying I’ve lost my shoe and then he’s going to come out it’s just going to be a clip of him saying about the shoe and then we go back to the fucking asking Rob what’s wrong with his nipples
wrong with your nipples are all fucked up text they’re not like penises
bathroom in that yeah it was
I think it was just like Dan’s okay I’m coming to get you and I was like it was like Sunday night and I was like fucking a man just going to watch this I’m going to eat that and I’m going to lay here and then he makes me go do his show
so I went there bathrooms around the house
yeah where were you where your sleeping gear is what you’re like relaxing and my underwear and a t-shirt for the night and all day you wear it all day then you go to sleep in it at night yeah why didn’t you wear the daytime I need to let you going to have crazy you can buy underwear it’s so cheap and a lot like I didn’t say that you were that you leave at night it’s through the day
it changes your life change your thoughts at like 2 p.m. it’s like the day just started
oh rub them drops doing it to the bathroom in a large way do you take your pants off sometimes I take my pants off and leave my pants on and shit into them shortly before you go to bed
started Rob did you just announce that Kumail nanjiani Fame takes you takes his shirt off to go poo no I just want to be free I even take my wallet
I even take off my wedding ring the day I was born I take off my wedding ring cuz what we have is not part of this this is me all the way on back so I wear off. Oh my God Emily Emily with the wedding ring that I gave you
we gave it to each other and I’m sorry to do this but this is a question that affects me you get mad if Camille forgets to flush like don’t forget how can you forget I know there’s something in there to go poo poo poo poo
all right so I don’t discuss this on the show before the last five years I’ve been getting forgetting to flush the toilet just started I blame Wi-Fi I think there’s something in the air that is affecting my brain also like the bees are getting lost in you not flush a read a science paper it said that bees are getting lost and then some people are forgetting to fly anymore because there were ghosts and then they got pulverized by all this electromagnetic radiation without a body is to protect themselves you were saying they were ghosts until the late 90s absolutely there were you know I just know you know why I think there’s ghosts why because it’s it is because of Wi-Fi but here’s why ghosts ghosts can only walk around and
can’t touch anything but think about it we’re all on our phones and iPads now so go stir like set they’re like oh I’m just going to watch ABC news with this guy out there like Jesus Christ that’s a great tweet you know like the movie get out of here yet I’ll do the supernatural activity with just hang out here and fucking monitor everything okay
not a bad Theory so you’re saying they’re still around are just more like oh yeah and don’t recognize recognize games in person just like drifting through the fucking earth like not knowing where to go flushed it and it’s not enough great question
So lately in order I’ve been trying really hard to blush so hard it’s been getting in the way we’re getting are getting is getting in the way and and put it it’s like I have so much anxiety this morning I’ll be driving to work and then I’ll stop at a stop sign with OSHA. And I’ll text Kate going hey just in case plus the toilet before you open open the lid or you close the lid is your fucking problem why are you close enough to let open a great reason you’re remembering you’re remembering poop particles enough
in the lead of the toilet all that could be good that could be what the fucking human being in the world you know there’s a lot of people out there that they forget to blush and I or some because I’m at the stoplight I’ll text and I’ll go and it ended there’s not even an ellipses of too late. There’s the price is right yeah I think I’ve left the straightening iron on but every time we leave the house I’d never leave you actually are leaving poop in that toilet
make me an auto flush are like airport. You have one of the most exotic toilet I need a upgrade an idea no. Here’s an idea down grossing Wi-Fi so you’re on your phone and that’s the problem right you know about how long it’s taking you to poop 5 minutes 10 minutes what is it what is what you have to poo before you start set an alarm and then go to and then when the alarm goes off I bet when you have to go poop at that moment you’re like I have a flush afterwards and then you forget in the interim right yes I just glad I got an alarm I been feeling bad cuz your brain just to generates and there’s like the pixels that get removed from the jpeg you know for me it’s I keep forgetting Jeff Bridges name and like like stuff like that
people that you should like I’ll spend I’ll be going it’s not like that and everyone’s waiting for me and I’m the bad guy from 7 but I won’t say it cuz that’ll be weakness because I forgot the name of the bad guy from 7 everyone has to wait until I Forge my neural pathway back but this is a really I mean I thought I’d share something with you you know I mean with the audience be mad at me yeah only because you’re a grown up
okay well problem she has a right to be mad but it’s going to do about as much good as being mad at the weather if this was the thing from the very beginning when you guys mad she’s a disguise great I think I’m free falling from his never flushes right you can get past that into the relationship you can’t even do that changed is Lake ideally with your breaker is there. We’ve been doing it for a while
just like your New York the bathroom pooping his pants currently takes his shirt off like a fucking lunatic I take my pants off
back to that time. Everyone doesn’t do it because it’s like for me like I’ve never done it but if you’re watching Forensic Files and you’re like I love you I love you too
he stands up deposit Forensic Files he takes his shirt off like a Mountain Dew commercial and Emily just knows I guess it’s going to be 3 minutes and I did find out I can’t even walk back in the room putting on his shirt on Henry is like I’m going to go beat a steam engine I don’t want to bring any of that battle back with you because I’m a human being on civilized but when I’m sitting on the toilet I’m a fucking animals right now you like public I don’t poop in public you know but like at work and stuff at work right trailer yeah I take everything off you can get your trailer at work
how weird Street you see you strip down you take off your socks and stuff like you’re a clone or something like a shoot in a trailer yeah great question why it’s taking some very long flight you never had that although I do go and onto a plane and the first thing I do is that going to change my underwear in the airplane that’s a good this is why you’re so fucking like this is all
genius level me this is all amazing shit I must like your have the best but you must love it every day of your life this is all optimized it’s all good he doesn’t have a fucking sweaty under we’re going to bed what do you do what do you do with a dirty underwear I know I hate you know what day is it by born
can you pick me up with this for hours doesn’t sleep and underwear where is specific pagina I cannot sleep in underwear since I’m on a plane and I could take a nap I’m going into the bathroom taking off my underwear not put it on another on the way coming back and sitting in my seat to take a nap then what went before it’s time to land I’m going to the bathroom I’m putting on underwear cuz now I’m ready for the day
call me I have a hidden superpower because I feel like well you have a superpower which is like super sensitivity to your underwear being used I hate on your way or not you’re like that that the girl with the has to wear the gloves in the X-Men but are there otherwise she’ll kill people but I’m like it’s been an article about it in the sky and it was a certain guy I don’t know I’ve always hated underwear I probably didn’t start wearing underwear cuz I was probably about 4:14 I delayed it as long as I could I probably have 50 pairs of underwear that are currently in rotation
good question I think for the board what is the oldest pair of underwear you want cuz it’s a I think about your underwear but like no no the longest like the oldest pair
what we think about it should we bring up Brandon Johnson and find out what his underwear
yeah yeah okay what’s your what’s your booty tonight I’m just I love this idea of such Elegance of changing your underwear throughout the day like that in the middle of the bell curve that he’s like Downton abbey-style play married to you I will try to do laundry to manage your worth it yeah I just ate some rapper baller type like I only wear this white T-shirt and I thought I should have wait I said Blitz yet
for the price that most people spend on like coffee weekly you could definitely have brand new socks every day of the week that sounds like a horrible infomercial and that’s why I’ve come up with suck a dick are you telling me all I have to do is fill out paperwork and socks will come to my house I’m telling you I’ll fill out half of it
you will never be alone again to keep me company
but what if we learned over 300 episodes that’s not been texting and saying honey I’m sorry I don’t remember if I hire now. How often when you’re texting or how often is it what percentage of the time have you not flushed and I’m not what percentage have you flashed in your almost a hundred almost like a golden string right you tie it to the to the Flasher and you will put a loop on the other end when you sit down on the toilet you put the looped in if you can remember to put a strain on your toilet you will remember to put a strain on your thing
bring on your thing you could also say it as you do it that helps me when I like unplugging stuff I go I have unplugged the flat iron coming down from a really well anchored thing in your ceilings like you shape it into a thing of slips over your neck right you’re not going to forget you got in your way the way to get it out of your way if you slip it over your neck you take a poop you get up if you could forget everything you could forget to wipe you start walking away
oh I forgot you what am I what was I I must have been so preoccupied with the events of the day oh look at this is a toilet full of shit here I’m naked is gone right as you get up from the toilet go for the flush is that not part of muscle memory totally nude every time I put no matter where I am free and you’re going to love it
please don’t have those I had to okay I did dump in a Ziploc bag once when we lived in Brooklyn Iceland shit
Hurricane Sandy what would happens if I order a weirdest charity event ever probably like New Year’s Eve what was that
that’s when the $35 came from I didn’t know I’d be oscar-nominated 175 I have respect for this is deleted scene from the big sick dangerous neighborhood and it was late at night and I couldn’t leave
tripod Ziploc bag show me a complete list of bag dime bag of shit
handsome picture of a little logo on a car tell the cops are like it was all out of it before you close that are you trying to keep it friends and I did the Instinct was there because I didn’t want to tip top I’m doing there
did you save it until you found a toilet to flush it down pick up and woke me up three times another day or twice but three times
Urban who has to get naked to shit that’s what you did I am clean the clothes are far away from the Chicago getting into a bag three times which is behind the building and got rid of the evidence for meeting with Camille pooping in his not pooping or something you weren’t there yeah you’re not home you could like walk to the closest place if I ever got a text from Cody that said had to take a shit Waters out shit in a bag actually sit on the floor instead of leaving the house ever I’d be like good good
I don’t think that’s healthy but I know that would be raised as a good good just everybody was doing that over there so somehow it’s okay to leave the house and go behind the building
would like that conclusion that dumpster space

when I have more questions I thought of more question and what is the toilet paper
you would wipe and put it into the bag bag with the poop and this exact one and two and three public conversation because there’s something going wrong with the toilet so somebody can put up a sign they put all the effort into it Ariel truetype font to piece of typing paper above the thing it says like but they don’t flush tampons it was they would be that specific so you know exactly what I’m saying like when they get amorphous and they’re like don’t flush non waste or something like that and then there’s like a paper yet everyone
what do you what is this a time bomb wait what am I shooting in yeah that stuff that’s a tough one we have it’s your flushing something that has become what is like no matter what it is that’s what that’s what you would write on this if I have rushing this work has already in an office in Chicago of all therapist and for whatever reason random turds kept showing up on the on the women’s bathroom floor for weeks at a time how do you know they were random
they were different people each time we just called The Phantom shiter we couldn’t figure out if it was like falling out of a pant leg or if it was intentional it was an unhappy workplace but I’m really fascinated with that stuff like I I cuz I think it’s like a ruption of like a shoplifting Urban phenomenon like among people who are like like like there’s it’s like oh you saw that Canadian video where the woman just sits on the floor of the restaurant there’s a there’s no mystery to this she’s asking to go to the bathroom she’s infuriated she had shit and then she found out later I was totally right totally nailed that I know my shiting people and apartment complex and for six weeks every 3 days like in the dryer like person that’s like they’re it’s so fascinating
I think some form of Rage that you can only really Express through your shit but I don’t get it out
I don’t but I’m clearly someone that I wear and like we all kept being like oh I hope no one thinks it’s me I left that job and I was like please let the Phantom sitter contingent it’s on me and the Phantom should have did that would be great.
Elaborate revenge on you
the floor is that one place where the killer when they arrest the wrong guy and then the end of the day it looks like that. Of time where the real killer is like kill more people out of jail guy
like it’s like getting your hands dirty in a world where we don’t really do that anymore I’m starting to kind of get it I guess maybe Wednesday is not also a serial killer like they’re not they’re probably not torturing animals are weird pinprick like magma eruption that’s what is a legal Clerk and being like moving on up and then no full moon
I didn’t take all of her the ghost of her father going like women mean nothing if you’d like I’ll stick you into a dryer
and then you just hear the thudding going to punch you take a female figure you can let me off the hook only up and you weren’t there and I said that I would get a tray but also that woman remembers to do it once a week in a way how to take things are so intense what are you doing oh you know I Take 5 minutes every morning in the dryer everyone instead I went through that and I’ll have like a bagel
and that I should in the dress
all right I feel like I feel like everybody everybody’s like oh you you talk too much about shit just a little too much like late but we really hit you what is this
no okay listen up
just guessing what’s up with the air conditioning you know what’s up with the AC really you get in the car and it’s fucking summer hot summer how does summer in record here you go
and it’s a hot box it’s fucking hot and you want the AC on or like
put the AC on
probably to save money yeah I know
turn it on and then like when I would like Friday night I’m driving with this version and then she owe you can only I didn’t look over his last when you’re driving to be driving Lyft and Uber drivers
do you want what do you want what do you want do you want to be sweating in your back sticking to the back of my shity car do you want to be comfortable or or do you want to roll down the window and get to sucking air in your face how about when you get in the car and it was like you get like an SUV with a group and then you’re like it’s fucking hot back here and there like a million things like there’s such a fucking like amount of chocolate you got four people working on a problem back there are you doing today finally only when needs to involve Capitan you go like
cute kittens that are anything are oriented anything and it’s always the first response is always like just victim-blaming like like they could just like like like I did it’s already on let-go just say something that makes you feel fucking and say it like it’s already and it should work it’s already on Saturday so I get in my car and I do the really hot one today
which is you trying to reapply would you like the AC on and you know what who am I to say yes and then after a while I got like
oh yeah okay I’ll put it on but I just get so cold and here it’s like a fucking a hundred and twenty
measure at the end of all of our Lives don’t you just wish it could be like Monopoly or something where we could do little things like how many of the people that succeeded or failed like like to the extent of their success or failure had anything to do with money like I just want to like be there at the fucking like Saint Peter’s gate or whatever where we all tablet and go like yeah you know what are every time you fucking like like like like what didn’t buy popcorn when you were in line and you’ve made your date buy it like you didn’t it make you poor like you didn’t like like or dislike your your laundromat putting that label on the machine and then making this hubcap in the bathroom key like I said she was like okay I’ll turn it on and then what I thought she was slowly turning it like slow yeah okay and I rolled down my window
and then she turns around and goes what’s going on do we want AC or fresh air
are you still in the window when the AC is on that’s an insane person thing to do
if it’s not cold enough it’s actually like maybe your mouth like request things like a human do you want a c and I go yeah and you slowly turn it off what she was that she was told she gets too cold also I’ll say that people drive Lyft in Uber don’t make them a little money to help pay the rent and we’re on are on the car
thank you I just want to say I’m still in my feelings through the day fucking money do you save by not using AC I’m not see the spreadsheet of it that’s what I’m saying I want to put on the highway it doesn’t make a bit of how much traffic there is in the highway
your mouth like a human being is I shouldn’t have to ask for AC yes will ask for it in the history of the world but it’s not a problem when you have a mouth you can use it is the problem
it’s just a thing that happens when you get in the car if it’s too hot inside you do a command and get naked
don’t forget my five stars
Steve Agee everybody Steve Agee
Steven A G
thank you I was backstage texting Rob links to remote control toilets to the bank I’ll see you later how are you going to the bank from that you didn’t invent I also sent a link to a toilet that flushes as soon as you stand up can you make the flashlight and it said no more fighting over forgotten flushes
you should get it before they go out of business cuz nobody else has this problem on Wi-Fi Ziploc crap sack
it’s going to separate a pocket for toilet paper if you really feel like you have something concise and from an expert place that we can defer to that like like like I really want to know the data on the cost of air conditioning if you save money by not using more money by not air conditioning the card then if you don’t but I just want to know what the scale of it is $5 worth of gas how often
like just driving me from one side of the house is not going to be $5 so get a $5 tip it’s an option if they don’t they don’t say don’t get the tip they don’t see who tips that you were going to tell before they are drivers give us a little bit of information from your perspective we want to we won’t we won’t attack or hurt you
Christian okay but stop at you fux to give us your love you give us your background white why you might have knowledge about this was so I went to UC San Diego and it’s very hot there are engineering and now I’m an Uber driver thank you I’ve been wanting to know this
thank you sweetie I mean I guess you can you can save a little bit of cash but he’s so you were actually here to answer the other question of this was not what you were brought up yes it is yes it is and whether or not it’s good to be in heat we all agree it needed to be in heat he said he has 9 people up here he’s he’s saying if I could talk over you for a second I don’t know what else you do okay
well here’s what I heard you say it’s what trap is saying which is basically like I did like blink the savings on air conditioning are probably in comparison to those are you you know that you’re just saying that because now you’re on the spot and we are a different question than the one you thought you were answering he gained everyone’s a steam and I don’t think about doing a joke I think he thought that was a question whether or not you can tell if you drill the classic question
it does anyone know how much money you can save a lot of money but these are people who don’t make a lot of money and a lot of the money they make goes to pay the costs of them doing their job I’d which is what which is paying for the car paying for the gas for the car paint for the car that’s a big part of their job to pay for the car driving with our awareness that people who work every day jobs are unfairly paid can we do we have to be so distracted by that when we’re discussing this other things that’s the reason why you’re uncomfortable though and I agree that being uncomfortable is not a good thing but it’s just a thing that has a reason right but I understand the rehab of any air conditioning cost of Uber driver out of their overhead
this surprised oh you want the air conditioning on as sweat is just ripping off the Freddy’s face
is there a restaurant that you get water because people are usually thirsty when they’re eating their friends over for you if there after water I know it’s very hot I didn’t have it on because I’m saving money because I’m not super rich you’d be okay is that okay do you want the AC or not so she does a little guilt trip to you before before you do that would be awesome right
10% just came down with the efficiency is lost Kevin bit by having their 1% of anything is significant because we got to turn off the radio
all right so Rideshare operators within the sound of our voice we were in Desert Cities where it gets you a hundred twenty degrees Fahrenheit like we need to have this conversation among the many things that are unfair to drivers their 10% of their overhead as opposed to someone in Minnesota is like it’s an important thing and we’re feeling it first here having the conversation and I’m sure it’ll be fixed by next week we’re going to get you no don’t don’t turn up that I was in my head I was like yeah and we should always eat generic peanut butter cuz the hospital bills lately goes like I bet this doesn’t add up to anything 10%. There’s a plenty of people who are doing the share sort of in the share movement or compromising himself
so when you hear somebody asked for them to compromise themselves a little bit more it kind of Sparks and nerve while at the same time if you’re going to do the job you should probably have a cool cabin I get that but I also get the like we can’t ask the slaves to fryer Burgers to be clear we we should definitely ask for it to be old but while doing that just understand why it is the Way It Is by being all the feelings are completely great
yes is good this is good let’s roll the clip that’s great
what type of pots having this exact conversation a year ago because maybe a ride service would say hey we’re adding a button that first $3 extra for 10% of the the driver will receive an alert that says please cool down your cabin as you roll up I would never pick that person up so come correct when you come to me I’d be like by you you must be nice if people really wanted it that badly if you live in Arizona and every time you take a Rideshare service your big fucking problem is that unlike a cab which runs on a medallion service you climb in and it’s fucking overhead paid by the corrupt
cool as hell and then every time I lift comes it’s like hot you have to have the conversation like if I don’t know what the statistics are there actually needs to come down and see how many people have a problem with my being I’ve always noticed it I’ve always noticed that conversation I’ve always found it like kind of like crazy and absurd I find it weigh less absurd and like 10% of anything is like huge so now that can reduce my outrage by at least 10% if not 90 and I’m like it’s hot it feels like empathy for the poor
Greg Lake now I can now I can fucking use that heat to make me stronger is a liberal great now I have everything
plus I have a Tesla so I don’t really like I’m super drunk I don’t need your hot ass car I learned about this from cabs I got like four cabs in a row and that’s what they were doing and I was like what the fuc and then I looked it up and they’re like there’s a lot of money and I was like I guess if that’s your job and then I never did this did this issue dollar at a time and then we’re not going to make it to Dale’s House in time to get drunk and it’ll be like we’re going to turn off the air conditioner and I was out but I always wondered like what does that mean per mile now we know who wants to listen to the time that open mike Eagle taught me to drop my mom a fucking crutch
do that okay nobody I do like you or is she at cheops
all right I have fun for a minute and 35 seconds
all right please welcome to the stage
Batman spring game Master Spencer Crittenden out
it’s your job to bring them out I’m so fast
oh yeah
Matt Madam did you see from the all the apps that I eat
she observed the list I have some tea before I came in
why would you hashtag chips
I think the frustrating thing is if you back it up and you play it really slowly you can hear as I’m getting interrupted I was like that was 2011 and I’m like I think we should do more for women’s rights like like I’m getting interrupted in the coordinate things so Chris can we play tppp gate
call chant
maybe I don’t worry
this is important to Sweet switch up
strap came over today to he’s going to he’s going to test drive my iPad Pro to see if he wants to get one himself I have I have two of them to I got the big one and just said it was too heavy I like the smaller one but maybe if I like it I could buy one of yours off of you I could buy one he needs both of them I don’t have enough respect for my money to my iPad Pro back and go get your own price for an organism I’m going to have like a stack of $20 bills that I do what with the not going to be karmically damaging to me to come out with a stack of money
I think you’re going to buy him his own iPad Pro are you going to make out why I don’t want him to buy me anything and I probably do know he’s a little cheapie cheapie so you’re kind of a I wanted to know if it worked we were talking on the plane and you said well I could let you borrow and I let me try it out and I’ll give it back and I’ll buy my own set of cheap Epp that’s being smart
are some editing there
can we see the open mike Eagle 1/2 now I’m curious what that is why did you want to talk about something about the anxiety
why does it always have to be fucking somebody
I’ll stop you right there because you’re doing something in a lot of rappers freestyle rappers you all having a crutch but like mine used to read when I’m on the mic right maybe like a reason because we do that to help us get help us build the time between what we said and where we how can I get to and no stopping
does the only enemy is stopping you just keep going
is that easy paper that easy
Play the song I got to blow through the rabbi got to flow through the people
go back go back for one mother in that at all
do such as you don’t do what you’re supposed to do when you do what you’re going to do if you don’t do what you’re going to do you do what you’ve always done I’m going to have fun in running the sun I’m going to be another one of my buns by cooking it in the oven and I put it in the shop in with my dick in my pants as I suck at
wow that was some great rapping I learned to do that episode and then never went back like open mic came in the show you felt that that was like like it was it was real it’s funny but it was all so real it was like I was like yeah you got to get up the fuck your mama thing cuz it has nothing to do with mom was your fucking but it’s like this cheating thing and then I was like oh you get a ditch that and then that happened but I never ever liked it sucks I never went back I never I was never able to I just went right back to the crutches I’m ashamed I’m ashamed of it it’s not right now open all share
toast bread go in the head. I didn’t fuck your mama instead today
alright nice rap beats
are you worthless
yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah
apple spirit
after 10
oh wow wow weather Irish
haven’t got it need to be respected
by the Pope
Michael Stipe what
break it down my name is MC Nick I’m here to give your balls the link how about a smile there my tongue upon the the shaft and go take a run at your anus give you a rim job I’m not here to be neat I’m going to be a slob I’m going to Splatter all my saliva all over your privates
that’s not that’s not what open my top mate
I see his Jedi ghost shaking his head that’s not just because you’re not fucking your mama doesn’t mean you’re not traction why I feel the spirit inside my mind and rhyme anything with South it’s over it’s over
oh damn
I mean I would say I was very impressed by that I did you know it’s a good show because we’ve been through a lot on stage and have the audience and then we did have the audience like the cheapy thing there was no audience right yeah I couldn’t afford it good times Journal we had some bad times to all we also had some bad times
11 seconds long can we do Jim Belushi impression
tipping at a bet no video
impression is not very good so yes it is your number one do you do a John Belushi impression because I can do it bad Jim Belushi no it’s not that good so yes friend really impression is that good
I know what that is William Lee love that one what is Ryan scream spells balance good

I love Curtis is this one a video
I hate. Calm
remember to set the back there about Gina you know me and me maybe you could have done better I could have done better like that you know it’s hard because we live in this world it just it just reinforces the fact that you’re not you’re not supposed to be free and it’s supposed to be happy and I don’t feel like I’ve never felt like I deserve happiness it’s not true
you’re a decent girl
you could have anything I just don’t want your life to be like mine and if if you need some more convincing why don’t I show you what my old friend doctor friend can do spell lies
Pizza Guys on how you do it is deactivated their I created a dome or wall
magical energy
can I use my Agony spell on the guy even though he’s he’s getting away but it’s a long-distance Agony spell can I do one of those you don’t have line of sight to him he’s he’s far far off so we could do that without seeing them
we going to get that guy back going to get Curtis back he was really into it he was really into 300 episodes is that you’re like what the fuc
yeah well look Emily how your freestyle rapping skills will do it
if you would come out come out and move you to go look at me we got this we first make let’s try again let’s try again Steve rap beat rap do it okay. That’ll rhyme okay okay
I think I can okay how can you have a garden
yeah do it first day of rap cap let’s go let’s go, hard word
you give me this is good it’s always the last word and I’ll just got AIDS yeah yeah yeah oh no
Name all the clips prayer for her dad episode
keep going keep going
go ahead I didn’t hear
I never really know when I’m going to go back through
I think we’re done here Run DMC passive-aggressive
what a what a dynamic duo
also I don’t know I don’t think that you should be learning from me but a trade secret in you come up with a word and then while you think of the rhyme for that word you say I fucked your mama’s so hard that I caused you just enough time so it is like your mama so hard I felt like no that’s that’s where the crunch comes to go to the bathroom through yeah yeah keep it up keep that rhyme scheme going
turn up the ante cuz it’s hot and okay I got to go ahead
don’t know what side am I on the air-conditioning and I don’t know if you should or shouldn’t
where you going to pick you up it’s going to be 900 Degrees to make a ton of sense but it’ll shut you up if you’re thinking about complaining about it
in the back
I want to hear Emily on that circle thing that might dance
yeah yeah yeah that’s what
and then I got to wait to
Delta bathroom
I’m out at my gym, Illinois
it’s fine
yeah I might face you’re in the club
a joke about math. I don’t want to be
that’s Minecraft OK Google I don’t know how to rap
now is good
all right now
I have no rhythm at all that’s the problem and the solution in the back room John Mayer wrapped owner showed
John Mayer’s Flo was fucking like crazy
headed to the corkscrew if this offends you just shouldn’t do you call the praying that they’re going to complain you going to ask if you could take it out the next time they put it up for him than that they’re going to say on that thing I’d rather forget can we take the rap out of the do it yet I just don’t want to hear people telling me that there was something I said that they can get a smile on me that I was trying too hard in the backyard how about the milkshake put it at large and it was all curdled yeah I don’t want to be that way so I think I did it right but now that I did that’s why I kept wrapping tonight when I get in the car I think about the rap this is the thing that I did that scrap to make it off balance to make it strange it’s got to be strange though tomorrow is a new day I need directions to Nu-Way I got to approve I got to change I did it too well tonight that racked my brain I got to get in the tub and wonder what I can write to tell you can you take a couple things out tonight cuz I don’t
how to make the don’t like for like I don’t like even packs I like shit missing that’s what my brain goes listen out who could be up there in the tub, you buried the lede you fucken rap good
I’m embarrassed that I did it in front of you you can never come back again
wow okay
apparently the key is looking up to the right like doing this with your fingers so he has to have keys to get in
I hate so much hate they were to use to the bathroom in the bathroom
you should eliminate cap with a microphone
children please do you like that noise rock you like that shit shit what you doing sorry now gone and yeah I think we always knew how special that place was and of course when it closed down we were all able to eulogize it but the thing like I always thought this is a good place because of the crowd that it dries and the Simplicity all this stuff but like I like we moved out of there and tried to do this show at my stage at starbranch with an audience without an audience to be traded to the show in a in a video Booth would now we can move here this place is great no disrespect but the crazy thing that is to
as they do meltdown was more than actually the absence of a bunch of stuff it was actually like in imitable it wasn’t like like I always thought of it as like oh if we could just get these pillars out of here would be great but there was something secret about it and I don’t know what it is you think it was it is as true like natives of that place in and founding parents of it was it I’ll start you off with one thing that people said over and over again with its simple altitude like is it is it just an audience in the performer or like down at the same level to me like you’re cool as friends like parents basement that you got to hang out and do whatever he wanted and everybody left you alone.
it just moving air but was that place of fluke
Dental Discovery or did someone have to stand in that space and go this would be perfect for performance wasn’t ever going to put in time to like he didn’t even have the ability to put in time to like make it 1 so that was kind of it was kind of loosely like random shows were there and then yeah and then we started doing melt down there and then I got hired to like do all the other shows are we to tell which is how Harbor Town cuz I was like oh so bad and there was nothing happening but it just always felt magical it’s like you say all those things about the high ceilings and that it was a pretty small space whatever it is whatever the physical dimensions of a Greek comedy theater are and had that but it also had I don’t know what the fact that you had to go through comic book store to get there otherwise yeah it was not as you said and Indian living are about that place there was something magical about it you know
if I understood the comet going through I understood the factual information so it’s hip it’s the new Largo it’s it’s it’s La it’s underground it’s like understanding that as a as a matter of fashion which makes it like actually artificial Regal Aiko The reason this is successful is actually because of mass hysteria is actually a disservice because that room is inimitable like we sit here in this room for him or like God dammit now that we’re in a different room how do we get that fucking downtown sound and it’s crazy like if I were going to record a an album whatever that is anymore can we buy the Meltdown what is it it’s mysterious Community around it I mean we would see people come to our show and then they would become friends and people like back there and got engaged and married and divorced and you
it was married after tonight you’d be monsters
play why did you marry him
next to each other in a fucking Auditorium downtown to be like you monster you deserve this divorce I’m kidding kind of all the audiences that will say
I never had the most like literally people saying bringing in their own chairs because I told a guy once will you pay the money for the chair but I like jokingly and he brought his own chair than ever now I get in free and guess who that was you have bested me please come on in. Yeah yeah yeah I didn’t I mean sorry sorry live What will what will be fine here too but also it’s been three hundred episode so why not stop you know let’s just stop just stop
do not fishing for that
is this the last episode could you swear to that
I want to see what happens now I’m too drunk to make decisions I’m just tired I’m tired of being me sorry to being famous stop from being you will it do yeah I know but I could be me in a dark room where no one can hurt me anymore like you can hurt yourself who’s the one person who hurt you the most what no I have no one has ever given me more pleasure than my cell phone
believe me you locked me in a room with me I’m going to experience a lot of pleasure
that’s sad but one thing I know for sure there will be no pain you come back in a year and there will be like a lot of blogs on the wall and won’t be written in ink
anyways what else is zip lock bags
if I was a martian has listen to the podcast Lego who’s Emily who the fuck are you guys last week we bid you guys kind of farewell there was there was never an official thing but like our Starships drifted apart we haven’t spoken to you guys what what what has changed about life like is there anything that real grass did you guys move
are you still living in the same place as when you were non oscar-nominated from someone in person to the same house and the winner gets to keep it back up unfortunate I mean yeah I know where the same place is that place in terms of career both as actors writers like so far but like like if you to the extent that you can remember so imagine this path before the big sick and now then the big sick is this big black box that’s like we can’t analyze that but imagine that as a black box for the purpose of the equation so can you can you compare like what has like really in a very
then bad yeah we can choose what we want to work on rather than being like I would be cool if we got this job either one of us I think we know where is is it is it is it like it’s because the obviously the agents like are able to now it’s a very able to get people are able to say can I meet with them and the answer is yes and like you get to I have these meetings that you never thought you’d have and so it’s all it’s it’s mostly positive right yeah really is the thing that we wanted to do for years and years and years for a little brief window right now we’re in the position where we can do them very quickly this movie I mean if it comes out it doesn’t do well it could go away right then you see it all the time so so we’re trying to lure very aware of that it’s a little bit scary
anxiety which is a terrible thing to happen to you that wouldn’t have been the case before you keep selling a don’t write your second thing right your third thing like don’t get past it and accurate cuz there’s so much pressure on you to like recreate it means skip the second thing just because you put so much pressure on yourself or what were you going to right next door like Skipper just go to the next day it’s not as good
Prospect manager would be pressure on you that you would go see you love the poodles and you’re like and then you made the big sick and then you’re like the big sick made everybody like JJ Abrams wants to meet with you and then you’re like do we pitch him the poodle movie or do we like pitch in my fucking Star Trek poodle thing or like split you have anxiety that didn’t exist when you were just like I can do anything I want there’s a fear when you actually get the freedom to do whatever you want of like oh shit now I got to do whatever I have to do the house that’s exactly right that’s a good job of only doing what we do isn’t that what we want to do has not changed and where we’ve been able to do that we haven’t like
what do you say if I got to be like before our movie that we were like we want to make stuff like this is the kind of individually and together so it’s like that then it’s also like when you get the freedom to do whatever there’s like a certain Terror in the freedom to do whatever here’s my most sensitive crazy question because I don’t even like you guys are life partners and writing Partners what does that do to a relationship late like like to be under like I’ve never met you take all your clothes off when you take a ship you guys have been very candid so I would have sounded like have you had fights that have lately been brought on by stress bicep solutely we left so we have had fights because the thing is if you if you have a fight with a co-worker does the ceiling to wear that fight can go
coworker who is also the person you’re in love with the ceiling is much higher so you can start on her side or really the basement like this with a co-worker you’re like it can’t really get as personal as you can with that so you we really had to have rules we have to figure out how to be able to ride together I think of you shared a couple of those would be valuable first of all the money I have a I have a girlfriend is a writer like we buy okay it’s it’s a challenge to like approached the area yeah because we’re not Partners we don’t work on stuff together so like if you guys figured out how to not kill each other like a couple of rules of like you can’t you have to literally book time to work with each other rather just assuming that the other person’s available I think that’s a big one otherwise just hang out at home
as lovers let’s go stay at this hotel and have pina coladas if Camille is like this like a pina colada I think the protagonist should do think
literally the shower before I ask you a weird question but I’m not sure I understand your confusion I’m naked
how do you turn the air conditioner off on the right over here. We have we have specific work times and then as you said if we’re like just hanging out we have to get the other person if I was like but she thinks of something for the movie or whatever working on she has to be like hey can we switch gear so you can give you permission and that makes a huge difference safe word for the kids to get out just dance. That’s big like yeah and yeah and we also don’t like the way we right together is when we like one more like breaking a story or something we’re together but then we don’t actually write in the same room that was destroyed by the back and forth and but you know it’s really it’s great like somewhere like working on something right now together and it’s like a really exciting cuz
I talked about it and then later in the day I’m like some of that one thing I don’t think anybody in the world that hurt for the thought of that and it’s really exciting and it’s also like she’ll write something and I’ll be the first person in the world to read it and that’s very exciting as I get to look inside her brain so took a positive pathway
and I also I feel the same way about you and it’s I think it’s starting with that respective like oh I really like what he does and what a cool thing that I could have access to it before anybody else and you have to start on that foot of like I’m a big fan of this person cuz if not if you coming at it from like I how can I fix what they’ve done then you’re already losing
so you don’t have to start there you don’t have to start here you can you can you can just be at Rite Aid and be like a shares my interest in these knit socks the best boyfriend I thought about this I thought you were the best boyfriend you started did you think about it in the draft she’s yeah why is everyone named Steve Agee that idea because the I answered you don’t have magnets like they have filled so like they can Propel each other as easily as they can they can get like magnets are out of control they get in the presence of each other and they do shit beyond your control I’m not being Insane Clown Posse
I also don’t understand magnets but I’m not pretending I do but I am but it’s like Cody and I aren’t writing Partners we don’t write together but she’s the first writer I’ve ever been with and like when the truth is like for her to say hey would you read my script like sends fucking spasms of panic through me because we work together and do the stuff I like
I’m like I think there’s like big cities like I freaked out cuz I’m like what if I fuck up what if I will what if what if what is anything about this perfect stasis you’re like what if I don’t like it so you guys are in Star Wars terms like what you guys are kind of describing to me is like where Luke and Han and if it is like but people change rules and then I might like but if you if you if you see a writer from across the bar and then you’re like you start talking when you start dating and then you hook up in your in a relationship with a writer it’s like your Han and Han and like your who’s going to shoot first game on
you don’t want you don’t want to fuck with that she just wants another drink everybody
Cody haven’t seen
I’m really just feeling kind of shut down there
but it is what I’m not saying that this the way that we work together is it still work you have to sort of figure out and they’re still bummed we will figure Alpha you still kind of like realized that I have that with Rob a little bit like like we we right together
play glaedr and I have written stuff together for 20 years and then like just did who do Rick and Morty like at you if you find Partnerships with people where you’re like okay this works
and it doesn’t always work
but I’m talking about like what do you think about the mass of it like the the anybody in this room might look like oh I get together on Wednesdays and I write with my friend were trying to write a screenplay together and they’re my riding partner take the difficulty the challenge of that relationship multiplied times unrelated to anything that I do like oh I’m dating this person I’m trying to make that work and then you multiply those two things that’s why I’m like what how are you guys love we were not and that we were able to work together and not right together because writing is a sort of a very personal thing with meltdown I was performing and she was producing the show and then we hosted the podcast together so we slowly worked up to figuring out how to write together cuz that is you guys had a president is not punishing each other for vulnerability act like that
what time do we need to do a mental health professional maybe not to shrink maybe it’s so I said no no no alright for answering at some Frank is that we do were very similar in the things we like I think for different reasons and so we were able to ride together because we have the same aesthetic the same taste but we sort of focus on different things of it so we kind of have different strengths that work well together in a few of the better dialogue or story of person or is it as big or you can have both equally strong there or you guys kind of share rolls and how you sort of thing someone of your your your
it’s also very good at that too and yeah it was kind of going to the same stuff I would say we watch the movie way too late but I watched it on a plane is like a fucking just adored it I love it thank you what you wearing underwear
back at me and this baby is it reminds me of we’re all up we’re all kind of a unit rock kind of family can we play the the family rap and MP John
I thank you so much for listening to shows I don’t know how many always at listen to but thank you for thank you for putting up with her nonsense this genre rap off into the night do you want
everybody in the street
you got the action I got the water went to the movies with my daughter family family family family with a yo-yo by David MC John I’m here I’d like to use a rake but will not take don’t go somewhere around the trees
2 Chainz new mixtape
I Hate You your socks or your shoes
take me to Capital harmontown everybody
giving up her ass drop
Steve Agee
Brian Johnson
Family Garden Arena this all happened
Frederic Remington the Gamemaster
everybody that’s out this app I’ll forget something if it’s Eric Evans DocuSign Church Chris Nolan keep leaving
sexy Kryptonite account, just gave it to me or is Dan Hartman everybody
Zach you got beat for us


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