Episode
Description
Classic Harmontown is back! The return of role playing with Steve Levy, the iHarmon and all the potatoes you could ever want. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis and Spencer Crittenden.
Transcript
when it is Hollywood
we can’t exactly keep her up there laying down the sexy beats was giving up his act
I am your humble comptroller Jeff Davis crime in town is once again in session let’s go
and here glorious mayor’s Dan Harmon
oh yeah oh yeah
I’m gonna mow the lawn to mow the long but it’s a it’s a mellow evening we knew we were in trouble with Steve Levy did his result is a little Walkabout here looked at his watch was kind of like I was watching him run around like that’s a guy that wants a little bit of Applause fuck you start the show but yet the vodka is still not out here to give it up now what if I went back there and got the Vodka out for you when I get stabbed by Steve leaving I’m more worried about them and have whatever he wants you know the kid is he that he’s getting it the world is a waster he’s a millennial
questions what’s up their ass like what do you want to do use it was a tough night tough tough and wine is it a late late late start I asked him for a pen and paper and I got an envelope with butterflies on them
in envelopes paper is 828 that’s why we lost Dan for 2 hours cuz I’m gay
I’m sad you’re a delicious your Delicious Fruit you’re like you’re like a nectarine be a gate nectarine babe this is probably a shity theater to sit in for a half hour like you got popcorn and Thursday and then another one
I’m thirsty and I got all the water I want back there I had to lacroix’s
you think Lacroix is bad for you if you drink like let’s say if you knew a guy who drinks I didn’t know they’re bad for you if you like. Hashtag cold take
how are you Spencer great I was at I was at this restaurant the other night and in the middle of it they’ll music completely changed got really really loud and some MC of sorts was like what and then to Samba dancers came out and we’re just standing in front of the table or dancing in the front of the table about ten feet from where I was and is just the music was was unending and it was just so loud as like I don’t want to look at this because it just seems like a spectacle that I don’t want to be a part of and I never asked for and I was just looking to eat you know and it was just it was just a mess and I was just doing and everyone else is having a fun time they were taking videos and laughing and stuff with her only Whole Foods know that I was at Whole Food to check E cheese I was at the hot case you know they have this barbecue those barbecue hot case they got like lobster mac
butterfly envelope now he’s kissing any more ass like they used to we can’t afford notebook forget we got true colors coming out for my iPad and you don’t have the tools that you used to brand is is there paper the answer was yes Jeff is there something you’d like me to take a note about because Galaxy Note 10 plus what are you talkin about
thank you Steve
turn my butterfly night why do you have a Samsung device huh is it fun I miss the old I harm in it and I want it I’m going to fit this with a lanyard and I’m going to wear it around my neck now you’re not but I’m just going to have this around my neck because Society has left me no choice because there is no such thing as an electronic notepad that is the size of a notepad there’s a million brains like $30 electronic notepad or baby’s first notepad like they’re all I can eat in 12 in the smallest everything looks like I look like a deaf person from the 18 hundreds like if I wear it around my neck and no offense to the 18 hundreds
like I’m just saying I guess like a certain dimension of thing you just want to look like you look like Laura Ingalls Wilder and I like a very special little house like totally cool
Hitler finds pretty hot I think what I can do is I can go I can take like a mead spiral notebook cover and put it over like I don’t I could make my own custom case so that it just looks like why didn’t have to be run your neck as quickly as possible perhaps while in the middle of a conversation to me right right by your sternum in your life way to process it is correct did you want the answer to your question yes yeah cuz that is correct. A matter of milliseconds like it’s a quick note with your iPhone I want you to make a quick note of something about what is showing at the ArcLight next Tuesday pulled out don’t forget to turn it on don’t forget to find a fucking app don’t forget to some Zhivago in half the after the seven autocorrects where it says do you mean Zimbabwe like
what time you’re doing it I think you’re a tool because it looks like you’re tweeting or texting what was your question about Doctor Zhivago any questions you did or be able to eliminate the barrier between my thoughts and containing David Lee Lee
so you pull this out just Marshall Reef the Samsung Galaxy Note 10 plus all the answers and it’s $1,000 electronic notepad you think about getting that fold one the one that folds it folds in time to open up an item sold it before he even asked a question I agree 100% with that you know to it what is that do it makes it faster to go cuz I like push you push on the S-Pen it’s like flush with the bottom of that you can like digging out with your thumbnails like what’s the point of that I’ve clicked superglue little nipple to it
the cool thing about the Galaxy Note 10 plus I don’t know if like Galaxy Note 10 9 + 2 had this already but I’m pleased with the technology now because they finally managed with $1,000 Electronics to actually surpass a regular notebook because you don’t have to turn a page but you can do everything else you pick it up you take the fucking pan out as soon as you do it goes into a mode where you can write any kind of fucking AIDS shit whatever know whatever and then you can give your phone and it saves it goes back to sleep boom bam Dunn hell yeah notebook finally God damn it with this technology for me
you don’t even have a million kinds of like you do they got the technology necessary to make an interactive whiteboard that stores all of your do the prices of breaking a story I could have got you know how much a magix going on up here that’s everyone missed out on I’m I’m I’m like semi-retired now no one’s ever going to know how I did what I did
but they could
baby so excited have you ever tried writing things down on butterfly envelopes and I I can’t do it I can’t do it because then I’ll have a butterfly an envelope and it’s like take a photo of this bring it into an app that scans it with OCR and fucking like turns that into text like go blow it out your ass world yeah all right there’s no guest tonight freezing like Molly Shannon going to walk out after all this
it was weird at first but sometimes no no that’s not true it’s not true we made these people wait for a half hour before we came out we’re going to get these mother fuckers the greatest harmontown that they’ve ever seen how you spent his court Spencer did not bring any character sheet dispenser what if we just play some full on d-and-d right now but it really down but can we remember everything that we need to know I can’t but we can play without having that okay the memory Sprite
oh shit memories price me memory Sprite
you remembered
you’re welcome
memory Sprite you can come back home and get back in the car or the car will get in you
what’s that mean
take the car
this is a night to remember
you know I can’t stay mad at you memories bright senior
it’s his dad I was your dad the whole time this is Greninja
it wasn’t just incest for it now it was just in such boring underneath the guise of two cars
well I don’t think there was there was one guy fucking another guy with a car using a car is like a Panera delayed but you said it was
it was senior it was a memory Sprite senior iron how you fix your memories right you think he’s a car I don’t think so I mean I’m not telling you how to imagine
if you picture the car fine I pictured like a little Tinkerbell but like kind of an androgynous Tinkerbell and then we are pulling up in a car while I get in the car so it doesn’t carb pasta. Would just straighten it was for was a roll but it wasn’t like they were they weren’t cars themselves while they were like Bolt running away for of a different thing but it wasn’t really a defender of the universe it was a it was a Sprite with a car up his ass
it’s okay I mean today I’ll do it again but with Foley work so you understand what’s happening
I’m on the sideline
hey get get
get in the car
I like to I like to be on the radio why my rap music radio in the car the car has rap music coming out of okay but they’re getting the car twice as a human being and don’t make me open this door open a little bit to show you I mean business
come on now are even I know this isn’t she might just cut it I haven’t written enough memory spray the guy driving the car has another car that he inside the car that he puts in your ass home as soon as I get in the car or I’m going to put the car in you okay I’ll give you something to cry about
all right you know so going to put the color in Chapter 2 of memories bright gets pulled over by it by a guy in a car
cricket cricket chirp chirp
I’m almost ready
you know some crazy shit going on with this Ukraine shit
my pores with cucumber slices
nothing just reading the news right now in the bathroom or not in the car up but no where did you get that that just isn’t that the wrong thing oh yeah
white wyona vegetables are they so comfortable together now that they’re just going to spend the night together at a Holiday Inn Suite or what’s going on whether in the he’s at he’s in bed reading like his iPad he’s checking out the rice that’s good memories Bryant was in a car up a but at one point before this is chapter one night I I inferred that I implied that it was very obvious by the text
what did they do they know each other when they met when the car pulled up and said that are father and son
but you didn’t find that out until the very end
okay alright
father and son
go ahead chapter 3
I like chapter 2
memories pet graduated college
there’s a college at the Holiday Inn
do you memories bright take this diploma to be your lawfully and incest why do they play Here Comes the bride’s instead of time and Circumstance I say I want to ride……….
call chick chapter 5 of this book gentleman
this cartoon has suffered enough indignities
for two reasons memories Sprite
and his incestuous father Memories by senior Chipotle
Chipotle I already searched it later but only place holder dial are for authentic Latin X like profanity
I don’t want to be offensive somewhere Farm it out to somebody like I’ll get a big credit everybody wins fuck off
and yeah that’s the cold open like they throw a knife into a under a board in a tent and it’s got like memory Sprites face on it and then you push it on that image and it’s like. Don’t don’t don’t memory Sprite and his incestuous father in
memory Sprite and it says to his father and game
and then it ended kind of build still like
Brooklyn
and memory sprayed finish the rest of that song
Brooklyn said when I want to get off the BQE and go at 4 something to eat I’ll see get the 405 to the three-way I’m going to feel it live on 3rd Street I’m going up 5th Avenue Broadway
you going to do a stock at yesterday I’ll see Book of Mormon tonight I’m from New York doing it right East Coast every Borough Staten Island Queens Brooklyn Bronx Mississippi
thanks for helping me make that basket Dad no problem
let’s make love
what you going to do use this time the 5th chapter State of Mind
but after 9/11 also the for the
my I promise not to make it up again
I have to get up my ass or Dad’s up their entire State Building up my ass
pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper Chipotle
awaiting you should do a miss lady I just glad everyone still alive
yeah you did
I know you’re lying
soon
promise me you’ll find you sons of bitches and make them pay
closing credits music
yo recapping Arkansas supergrip catering what a trip no animals harmed yeah right I thought your mom was so hard the other night the credits roll wrapper credits roll
Seth Rogen
what are you doing to do this scene
I don’t know it’s not really traditionally you don’t have like like like Clips we’re done after just pop life but I did what I could on the Fly thanks for thanks Jeff 40 and me up for your doll out
man so I just watched the second Addams Family movie you guys these guys are fucking twisted like Morticia Addams she gives birth and life during labor she’s like into it which I was like I was the whole movie I was thinking about that I’m like that’s so funny like when do you ever see you know pregnancy in the Berkeley processes like pleasurable at night like she’s like yeah I love it but you know usually has screaming bloody murder or it’s like kind of like you know you just hear music does non spooky women when they give birth they’re like it’s painful and I don’t like it and she’s like yeah I like childbirth that’s a really that’s foggy man childbirth cuz it hurt
does she look at the baby and I think she does and she’s like oh okay then I love it and I love it as much as cold soup that’s your name cold soup yeah that’s what happens the great it’s a great film
Anna Anna Anna Anna Gomez comes in and goes honey I just heard the polar ice caps are melting oh good
yes this global warming is really the cat’s pajamas cuz they just left bad stuff yeah it’s so good they like the kids are trying to kill the baby and it’s horrifying for the baby doesn’t die it so that’s fine and not horrify probably can’t die yeah more or less it like stops a guillotine with a bare hand it’s like a superhero baby because otherwise it would die and that would be horrible
otherwise they’d just be killing a baby do you think that thing thing thing they’re their hand character that you may be that that was one of their first kids Wednesday what’s your name steel skin so it just got his hands and then they’re like two kids murder your your are baby we had to come here for you wonderful kids murder cuz we’re at or whatever you put the hand in the Box I don’t know be our friend what’s up what’s what’s Pugsley’s deal on this movie he’s like a mean kid he’s he’s often he’s often out of a victim of Wednesday’s sadistic schemes does he have a power
his main thing is like them like dangle weights from his pierced dick
hillbilly movies cuz he’s like a kid in the movies yet
what in the comic book in the Allenmore original material he’s like 30 and he works at a carnival
Eddie he does like body modification of sounding he can’t get enough of you like Pugsley loves a child with a car
but not a rod
I don’t like the Rocks comfortable to think about too much True Crime the end is too many true crime stories is like that was like some guy that liked Orchard kids was like how much weight did Anne do you think an N like let lets say like
and I get a machine how much weight in kilograms or pounds do you think you could dangle from your dick
I don’t think I feel like zero like I don’t I don’t I don’t feel like even a pound like I don’t listen to a comfortable ride already in there that isn’t that what that was that was sterilized and good to go if you could put like like you know a couple ounces on that I don’t think so I could do like maybe 2 lb I think I can maybe do some of the load off your dick how long are we talking
like is that all day cuz I don’t want to try five five seconds yeah I think two pounds does it matter I know I am just like they smell like but the problems that are going to happen are going to happen right away
add so I’m like no no pounds you could share leukemia if you dangled 5 lb of weight off your cock for 15 seconds I don’t do that I’m not letting you this is a gotcha question
you’d rather let people die of leukemia in children that their dad and your dick is so precious to you that you couldn’t dangle five pounds of weight off of it I think we keep Mia is caused by disingenuous friendships alright
he couldn’t make it to the house
eight either because I refuse to mutilate myself or because of Jeff
yeah well I’m moving right along that a lot of show to get through here tonight that’s keep it moving Jeff was your envelopes day so far it it says it says memories bright and father
dangle weights from his penis you wrote that down I usually write just things that you just bring him down and you but then you did you write it down before you send it no I rather sit down and think later on if it’s a call back like I can look at the things the right now I’m too dazzled by the fact is butterflies everywhere and took normally have a lot more notes than than just those two things did you get you guys know about the feral hog I got to shoot like the guy that had to shoot he had to murder 30 to 50 feral hogs in the space of five minutes or something it’s kind of fun wait what happened kind of I don’t know if you called me but there was like a Tropa thing phenomena assault rifle talk going on on Twitter and then there was a guy that needs an assault rifle who needs an assault rifle and then someone’s tweeted in the question for Rural America
how do I deal with the 30 to 50 feral Hogs that run into my yard while my two to three children are playing every 10 minutes or whatever was like oh my God I was just making up a reason why you would need an assault rifle Pennywise but but but then the reply-all podcast which is which is really gray it’s a great podcast like it as it as it always doesn’t get it you just went down the rabbit hole of that story first contacting that guy who has always on reply-all turns out to be a wonderful human being who is like totally get why it’s funny is that there is like you understand why Everyone likes to you about his eyeglasses the first of all 30 to 50 is a weird number and he ran down the whole thing it was like they but but also the guy was like I was like oh shit this feral Hogs
the real thing and he did have that experience basically he didn’t have an assault rifle but he was just sort of like in the moment he was like from his own life experiences like there’s a reason you need an assault rifle and the episode to just go into this whole feral hog thing which is fucking fascinating so the Spaniards when they can’t when they when they were Conquistador in or whatever like problematic don’t like you would bring pigs with you at this is already cool like guys who were the business of of like Colonial imperialistic just a fucking world to Paving like they would just bring Hogs with them because they fuck like rap
beds and there they turned everything they eat into bacon which you instead they you just take a couple pigs with you when you get on a ship and wherever you land if there’s a forest you kicked their little asses out of the boat you know they’re going to go fucking like raised like pigs are like the fastest reproducing mammals or something like that which I find a store and in the way they described as like I basically do all the foraging you would otherwise have to do it they turned every Acorn Leaf insect they turned it all into one big mobile fucking torque unit and an NA wouldn’t they wouldn’t build a mobile.
depth reading it down he’s getting a little little little creased up envelope in your in your in your pockets they would let the pigs they wanted them to flourish it was like you let the pigs out into the wild and then you start Conquistador Aang knowing that wherever you go as you’re looking for your Fountains at you through whatever the fuck you’re doing like that you’ve now seated this land with these mobile fucking pork units that you just going to run across and they’re easy to hunt big big turned everything into Porta just eat it and then you keep moving so like disgustingly human-like
beautiful thing and now we’re suffering for it like all these centuries later these are there was a torment to pay the population here’s the craziest most ironic thing about it so that so that when the feral pig problem starting League source of Blossom in the United States the first instinct given our lessons we learn for the passenger pigeon anything you just got this is easy we know what to do open season on feral pigs have added America and little problem they’re like, if you’re if you’re down for chilling like it is the Open Season and pigs is like way cooler than Open Season and pigeons like you get to now take quarter sticks of dynamite and create booby traps were pigs are flying in the air you get to pop in a helicopter and have a headset just go pick up like they fuck so fast they are ready to fuck again in 6 months
they’re born and they’re like but here’s the crazy irony to it the reason they’re spreading out of control is because it’s legal to hunt them and it’s fun to hunt them for some people like tourists and things like there’s a thriving business and industry it’s kind of like the poaching thing where it’s like there are people in the world who never want these things to go extinct because they now have a way to make lots of money I eat charging tickets to like bring you along to fuck up pigs your jigsaw associate that they pay to go out and hunt wild bored so they can get you no more bacon and you know that Grace is rendered pork fat out there that who whose videos are almost indistinguishable from the kind of like horrible kind of like guys were laughing with Glee as they’re like blowing up these these pigs but like
the difference is like there are farmers out there who wish they were just all gone and who are not enjoying killing thousands of them a week going out 4 nights a week at 3 in the morning on three wheelers with assault rifles and just like night vision and these things are so smart you can’t trap them the same way twice if you trap a pig and another Pig sees it as no other pigs ever going to fall for that trap that sounds like a joke but it’s like if you puke if they build a house out of straw like another brick the next day it’s crazy
they tried introducing Wolves of the wild at all and now we just now we just got home with pics that’s it but you have a bunch of dudes with with guns running around killing pigs but they’re they’re breathing faster than guys but that’s the super irony to me is like they they they like the guy in Jurassic Park 3 it’s as likely to take abscond with fucking paint like they read them and they spread them because they’re there their bread and butter pork is their bread and butter like it’s crazy how huge the problem is Jeff Peter and the national feral hog genocide the American Farmers Association with who are who are like suffering the brunt of this like infestation and those guys are armed and unarmed just because even peed
is like this madness has to stop and the like the the lake lake lake have to stop in the most humane way possible like they they they Lobby together that’s how fucked-up the situation is and there are people that are like let’s poison them all and it but the poisonous thing that is like the size of a human means you at what are you going to use how much rat poison you know you going to put in and then and it’s like this like crazy thing like that and that’s actually the point we’ve gotten to that’s the end of the story is that actually even the people that are like environmentalists are like if you if you poison these these Pig population enough to like try to wipe them out it means poisoning Leaf Earth around them and he’s proved poisoning the entire biosphere everything that eats those carcasses all the plant life like in and those people are even saying at this point it’s the only practical alternative to like what could actually be a really serious human impacting thing
the story Compares addicted to the decision to do chemo right where you just like I’m just going to
attack myself with like something that kills everything and maybe won’t tell me as much as it kills this thing is like the feral pig problem is like that real crazy
this has been Me by recapping a podcast you should listen to now you don’t have to listen to that I wrote it down so I could remember I said you know you drink too much Lacroix and like it’s got like insecticide in it or something that sounds like fucking garbage talk flavored with oil essential oil things or something and water but really I’m drinking 12 cans of water with a little pesticide of that big deal you got to get somewhere BFD
you got to get your passes out of some yeah try out here I got a craving like I just I am addicted to Lacroix flavors you like I don’t want I don’t want to pick a favorite flavor of Lecrae because I’m afraid then I’ll be like Barry you know
passionate
man what do you mean his passion fruit that’s mean
oh no memory Sprite he checked his notes
those notes the notes came in handy
feral Hogs
bro-hug I like when the environmentally that there’s a a pest that was brought in by accident like
like as a Spanish brought in like Hogs or just go fucking crazy and start killing everything at the end of condors and then the Condors are supposed to kill okay for the Congress sleep at night when everybody and then and then you have to let your bed you have to get a bunch of hunters to go kill the Congress because they’re eating every fucking that everything else and everything is just kind of shit
I like that yeah I love that what’s the weather like in Australia or New Zealand and brought in like a marsupial like like like a fucking something to go eat them but they’re nocturnal so what well ones asleep the other ones are awake right now everything’s Fox imagine what it does you got to bring is Richard Attenborough everything’s 70% of everything is a poison spider
I mean some people do but mostly anything from the world to the Australian biosphere and it would bounce off like a ping-pong player leg but no some some fucking toad like is wreaking havoc on I think it’s like the opposite where they have they have several problems caused by several invasive species and it’s like every one of those just really hit the ground running and now it goes like the Galapagos like they’re like a macro Galapagos where it’s like they’re so isolated that they have key and tumbler kind of like Evolution going marsupials in case in Point Pleasant fucking giant rats with human biceps that like knock on your patio door
God damn those YouTube videos
how to make a 7-foot fucking rat monsters that are just like get out of here I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of Pennywise that’s fucking crazy spiders are crawling up the wall with birds in their mouth it’s on the fair Dinkum
alloyed
still got it
911 episode Spencer you know what these colors do run
man kangaroos look like fucking werewolves I always forget
new rule forget it
let’s not forget without character shapes without anything let’s play
DND and you can have to walk us through it and give us a you’re going to be free so long as you don’t have it you don’t have a dungeon chart I don’t have a dungeon I might have some notes on my phone that might be some relevance.
Because we’re running short and have a shot clock is ticking and Hermantown right now I think I think it’s are few opportunities to play a little D&D I’ll talk to you up some Professor music I might be able to play play something on your jack can I do that
I have I have a recap song what you can play it oh shit we can play we have the technology to play a recap of our last session will allegedly I just said that and I was going to shut the bed
I got a little guy on my Galaxy Note
mobile pork units
that’s not right that’s not right. My phone hasn’t updated and I got it back on the recap
who hit who with a sword plus 10 who’s going for a bag of holding again.
DND
who’s going down to the dungeon tonight
a dragon who’s looking for a fight what’s the character’s name
Berlin
what’s my character’s name
Chad thank you
DND
pilot gold pilot gold I got my sword and it’s got two barrels
and it triggered Woody Harrelson is coming up in me
double tap Zombieland 2
wow
I got your I couldn’t wait to see you later
but that lady how’s it going
you got the same color shirt
oh damn is that me could be
really good
I could work on Venice Beach House this is jew-fro I got going on
you didn’t even really made any comments about it’s really unruly I wish I was a Jew Jew Jew all the time I just want to say everything that you I’m not really throw away though it’s it’s just it’s just bushy it’s not like you’re not friendly
I don’t know what’s your favorite juice food safe
like a lot of Cody and applesauce you know, corned beef sandwich your Jew fro is kind of like it’s molded like are you are you trying to do something with it but all I can think its way as a mind of its own it’s wavy and throwing out more tomorrow morning it will be I think you need to cheese it and
I think it’s nervous if you’re not do it if you’re not like pressing it in like a helmet shape for 30 years till I be ashamed of itself for a living free and so it’s like trying to me it’s like don’t cut me I can wear a helmet all day
take it off hour later this week that’s what I’m saying I’m saying it looks like I’d like a Play-Doh like like saying it’s like not like Matt Stone the same way like a poofy that’s a little different tomorrow party and I can see like my Jeep going so it can get its Spirit back so it’s not like Clark Kent’s like with half of T-Pain. It really just go and you like to be like Leo Sayer Gabe Kaplan yeah yes
thank you know buddy how did dreadlocks work how do you get dreadlocks I don’t know is it is there a technique or is it just like a natural thing that happens
you put mud and stuff I have a photo of me to dreadlocks in high school while I’m just a white dude with dreadlocks and it’s not cool but okay so then you know how you get how do you do a salt water like I was a good body barter and so just sand and salt and neglect possibly trusting my hair when I get slime out of it it just wants to kind of not up a little you know okay but it’s like I’m doing this anyway
I didn’t say I was going to do it I’m just curious about how it works are we actually get dreadlocks
what if what if that was your weird midlife crisis where you said second also your midlife crisis what are you to be a fucking hundred
yeah exactly you could do it with your midlife crisis choices have to start like right now for you
your ear in the pool all the time you have a workout thing on your Instagram a complicated relationship with my hair cuz it’s it’s it’s it’s going away and I’m like I never liked you but like like come back where are you are you are you getting balls I just just going to grab a receiving I’m definitely a beautiful beard and your beard is lucious rivers of the Orinoco beer just pubic hair on your face a man is not a beard well yeah he’s dying and I can’t grow a beard I I’ve never had a good beer. I have facial hair but it’s patchy and like I looked like Johnny Depp on a bad weekend
are we actually playing DND
that’s what you got do we have that song we play it or it’s not a song but it is
you got to go potty
Erika Zak the town of you found the town of toad
there’s about it’s not much of a farming Village has like six farms and there’s only there’s only a handful of people you haven’t really met them you just kind of you roll up on a farm you kill the fucking ghost that was Haunting the farm is it seemed kind of diminishing like we used to be Fighters and you have Ambitions right now I can’t tell you that there’s one rival farmer Academy all right we should make friends with a raccoon man glad you’re settling in you do a lot of money for this property I hear the fire tree is on fire and arguing about a woman who looks like a druid yelling at a small wall
what’s the Beast I’m going to take care of this monkey on my back all right well I think I can settle this is our property the most piston leaves do you know about the Church of coral wax I’m a worshipper I want to I’ll do anything other than just fucking grow a potato
why do we become farmer do to become musician I’m willing to give that a try and hold go down to town and we’ll we’ll see if the music jobs at the store so inspired help me at all that I was before that played in Jack the Jackson memories for me we were living in a potato farm had a stroke and we were about to we were going to go to town and see if there were any music job yeah now imagine what it would be like to hear that like the week after you did those events huh it would that be crazy yeah it would make me mad okay I examine my surroundings you’re in The Farmhouse The Farmhouse where you live you were out farming
oh boy you didn’t like it you hated it especially Jeff everyone else was kind of fine with it yeah but I I want to go get into it Ventures yeah
I have you guys talked about how you might want to just become a music band and try and do that for money for money
like Troubadours is there a wiener at Town you’re in a town like a Local Tavern that might post musical events there’s a Local Tavern okay I go into that musical Tavern all right you do that are you guys doing that too I’m going to putter around the kitchen for a little bit
how much money do we have not functionally none
maybe like we’ve no money hundred gold or something are potatoes on the Harvest isn’t complete you just started to get some eating them not to or so good at it what’s the tavern called Spencer the creaky grieve I go to the cricket grave and I ask for the manager you you see the tavern keeper is named cool Dennis
oh shit it’s coming back to me now yeah you last saw him at a different Tavern my friends and I working up kind of a kind of a new musical act you guys have like an open mic night or a open spot oh yeah we got this little stage up here people can throw small denominations of coins you know are you okay we’re pretty we’re pretty set on the client so we can maybe use that money what do you play I play tambourine and so does everybody else all tambourine Trio
hell yeah it’s only have one temporary so we just passed show me cool until they are trying to find potatoes but we got the tambourine but I got to tell you it’s the harmonies which is the real show grammar your talents count if you want to grab whatever instruments and come in tonight that sounds like a thing you could do. I’m at the house what time is it let’s say it’s 11 a.m. the day after the events of last episode we played in county is diarrhea a junior at the house yeah unless he leaves I’m still at the house.
Maria yes what kind of town and see what meet up with Chad I just want to like lock down the farm make sure we’re not leaving any animals open
we should show up those animals you don’t have to do it farming for meat
no you didn’t we didn’t I mean the pens in the Barnes yeah let’s close it up bumper crop kitchen did you check the Chorale yeah every everyone’s good everything’s locked up the potatoes are all tucked in all right let’s head down to the to town let’s let’s head on down should we take horses I love horses
do we own horses I think you have one horse from the past but don’t you take the horse together
okay I’m pretty light all right I’ll get on the back okay
we get on the horse and we ride to town you get on the horse so it doesn’t like that
it starts bucket under your legs is it cuz there’s two of us it’s because you roll blow
I’ll get off
I’ll get off to
we both get off I start stroking the horses heading and I’m like hey man it’s us don’t trip we we love you we love War Horse people the people that sit on you all. Yeah we’re friends don’t do it never going to go away and don’t pay attention to the Laurels think about those Hyrule bro. We love you. Can I give it a carrot where did you get a carrot
can I give it a potato yeah you could give it a potato I gave it up attend a potato alright loves it calms down yeah you like that potato you fucking horse piece of shit fucking thought I loved horses and then you just fucking turn on me I’ll be like that fucking potato it’s the last one of your fucking get double now that horse yeah I’m going to face backwards hell yeah in case someone comes up on her sick make sense
yeah you guys are back it’s good it’s great right we write of town baby all right you go to town you see the tavern that Jeff walked into and you know he went in you also see what’s her name kagura choose the elf I guess he was an elf from the night before and she was like hey what’s up yeah I mean I can I like the I like the area
you know I like to die area of the girl that was fighting the the the race in the yard yeah going on there oh yeah that’s just you know my job I’m a druid we keep the balance that thing was out of balance yeah I used to Adventure damn well then I took an arrow in the knee
video game reference what game is in a reference to Oblivion Elder Scrolls 3
Oro
Carlos which is not a Freaks and Geeks reference I got us a gig on Thursday nights playing some music for some nice they say they would pay or is that open like I guess they offering is that they would throw money at us like we’re getting to be quite honest I kind of miss the adventuring and I kind of miss the of the swashbuckling in the Daring Do you guys play instruments
kagura I don’t have a character you do you should get your own instruments then you can like be masters of The Craft bar do you know someone that has instruments I know someone who can make wood into magical shapes it’s me what
you’re a barn I’m a druid I can’t I can craft would I can I get like two eldest a Seedling till I turn into a fucking Loop really oh yeah right I take a Seedling I find a ceiling on the ground I go turn this into a lute level work what you just said that you could do that I can’t do that
but what I roast a manipulated that’s not that that’s not the right kind of seedling I can do it for you but I don’t just you know do my magic powers for free on the potatoes into anything can you two bands worth of instruments 100% of your overhead is covered that’s for sure and plus we can pay you and potatoes on top of your potatoes
well we made them ourselves okay what do you want these to be turned into I want a dog house base okay
is loot okay now that I don’t even need to use magic to make them yeah you just carved holes in a potato that is what it is I like to think that I made my instruments oh yeah potato ocarina let’s do it okay the Play-Doh Ocarina
are you guys you got to do me a favor first you know I don’t just like do do spells for no one know what kind of favor we talkin no quid pro quo well as you do as you may already know I live in a tree and the tree is recently besides by monsters
what kind of monsters feral Hogs
but these are no ordinary feral Hogs
they’re extraordinary
in what way are all ready to kill they do crazy stuff that you wouldn’t expect a feral hog to do
so what do you want us to do Gilliam
are we carrying any of our weapons know those they’ve been locked away in the closets of your Farmhouse because you don’t use them for farming can you turn potatoes into weapons yeah I can how much does a I’ll get if you use them primarily for the quest I could do those I could do those right now I could do you for what you can turn potatoes into hand grenade you ever bake a potato without poking holes in it
it’s kind of like that but don’t do I still have my native Druid fire abilities yeah yeah yeah and I use my my my fire to bake a potato you do that oh boy it looks so delicious and it only takes one hour
that’s what magic does for you
are you trying to prove that we don’t need her is that I mean I’m just trying to be active I can’t keep it together
it’s like I can read you but they do a grenade for the beach this guy needs to get his energy out on those boers okay well this is what we got to do what’s the name Cara make us some potato grenades
alright I’ll meet you by the tree and here’s a map I’m drawing on the dirt to show you where it is is our house on the way in cuz we could John Wick up a little bit you know yeah we could break break up in those cabinets is Arlen on those outfits yeah they’re all buried in the funeral or they messed with the wrong guy how far away is our crib it’s pretty close let’s go strap up and get weapons and and then we’ll meet you back at the tree Cochran and potato grenades and all and we’re going to have our own weapons ready to rock that sounds good for the map oh yeah she seems more powerful that I couldn’t she take care of her own Hogs you think she feels sorry for us
is this like a thing like like like give a homeless guy a job I think she’s just lazy
you don’t think she’s like sees us as self-esteem risks like like like like she’s like a disposable like why not just use your labor to go out and do some dirty work well but let’s show her what we’re made of because we’re not potato Farmers that was never Us in that Tim Marine players and now we’re going to go show her what’s the fucking real do
you need a nap it is true I had to we had that we had a screening at the Rick and Morty office has a real emotional depleter I forgot my adderal this morning
really really ready to take a nap diarrhea with Carlos and his old partners that he lost adderal might be his old flame could be all right we walk back to the Ghostbusters Firehouse that is our potato farm
I forget what my primary weapon is supposed to do you recall I think you usually just shoot fire okay. Holes in the floorboards of my fists holyshit I could see your resolve someone’s talking about a Baba Yaga somewhere
man I just watch John Wick 3 that movie is good I liked it I haven’t seen the first one what’s the premise what what is a John Wick what does it what does he do get out but they keep pulling them back in.
the first one introduces you to the idea that there is a John Wick and the second one is like of course there’s lots of John Wicks and like John Wick. So there’s like hotels where you can stay if you’re a Jonway super powers of the universe where everyone’s assassin your waiters and assassin the people he’s waiting on her ass asses they only don’t assassinate each other because no one’s paying them too and there’s some code where you’re staying at the Waldorf Astoria and you’re not allowed to assassinate John Wick does anyway cuz you really want someone dad and then Al swearengen is like do you realize what you’ve done God damn it if we do a John Wick 3 you’re going to fight the world and then everyone in New York like looks at him and they’re all like assassin’s and I swear to God to ends with John Wick like like like like Al swearengen from from Ian McShane
cuz he got he goes I’ll give you a ten-second head start and like walking and as the credits are going to start rolling Keanu Reeves is walking past everyone in New York and there’s like a guy in a cowboy hat with an eye patch like looking at him and talking into his cuff and then there’s like an old woman with a dog and the dogs eyes roll back in 2 Guns come out we’re going to get shot or that movies going to be fucking insane like cuz the second one was I want to use the word retarded but like I honestly think retarded people be like here but that’s fine
will they be like I do cuz I don’t know how what other word like a pie and my sister is retarded so like and she I think if she saw John Wick she’d be like
yeah that’s retarded
I really do because at one point he goes to a guy named the Somali who you get your weapons from this guy has his gimmick is he talks about weapons like he’s a waiter like so you guys like would you like something like something to go with the fish but he’s like holding a gun but here’s the crazy thing there’s no one else around and there’s nothing but guns everywhere so there’s no point in using a code is any sense when a guy you go to these refer to everything was okay how about some pineapple why is he making this harder than it has to let it sit there goes both ways because he’s like I’m going to need something for an after-dinner jacket or something and then he pulls out a gun and goes like this is a clock P22 or what do you say what type of gun this isn’t it go back into weird like Assassin Creed but everybody pays each other
Gaelic Stonehenge that have needles in them and you like clothes on your palms a little John Wick blood in a sundial and that means that you work for someone and he’s a good movies like the first one to you like the first one I like the I like the first one as much as everybody else did and I honestly I watch the second one by myself and I was like look at least this movie ain’t Lyin to itself the first one I was like this is like maybe a perfect movie like this is so good and then the second one I was like this is not what I wanted I watch them back-to-back and those are real bombing planes coming up and I should I watch number one
I like I almost I kind of like number two more than ever when I feel like number one took it’s a little too seriously given what all it was was was Keanu Reeves shooting a million people in that yeah and like this Walking Dead CG blood coming out and like like like the whole movie is just like they they did they did they do him wrong on the beginning as they don’t know his John Wick and then like the only threshold is that the bad guy in the movie that’s older is says to his son you did what to who do you know who this guy is he’s John Wick we used to call him
the wax you know why he’s never lit but once he is
do mosquitoes come around whatever movies with Keanu Reeves going from fucking place to place it is where the people are like that’s far enough let me Frisk you okay
where is the next building full of people it’s a block away it’s a bathhouse
who sings chutes him and they had it cut still like a Greek guy going like I’m telling you anyways to continue my conversation you don’t know who this guy is and then it cuts to fucking bathhouse I swear that’s the whole fucking movie yes and then his dad yelled at him enough where he gets it that’s the other thing is that he’s not like Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator where he’s like fuck you old man you know like I’m also really hard to kill and he’s going to come kill me and said the kid just like sits in a fucking 9th warehouse and he’s just like they’re waiting what what what are the stakes how do you take John Wick down or if I just don’t shoot you in the head
I know that’s why I like traveling to a little better because at least it’s like the movie seems to agree a little bit more of that everything is like as I said I won’t keep using the word that starts with but like I said it just like a movie and you are on the same page for John Wick 2 or it’s like a beach government work
all right I am watching the movie I want to just start with number 3 is that a bad idea to do it but I think it’s yeah I don’t know what’s he does a lot of stuff that doesn’t quite make sense if you don’t know what’s happening good morning with a couple months ago he’s at he’s like yeah I don’t know who makes their food
which is what I wanted to hear you can’t get an Uber like an Uber I make a five stars
well I recommend you drop me off before my destination
where’s the story in stop me if I told you before about Peter O’Toole being interviewed and had dinner then a film with Keanu Reeves and and someone in the interview what was it like working with 7 to get milk a new yes but one gets the idea I don’t care how you say it
Peter O’Toole
one gets the idea right I mean
so awesomely dismissive
all right so I’ll be back at the farm I mean floorboards his weapon can we do the gag where he’s punching he punches to the floor and it’s like all musics Madigan then in in the in the background of a shot I’m opening a cabinet that’s all and I hand him his stuff
well then what’s in the floorboard know I know what is it’s my it’s my church of the silver flame chain mail well in that dream
Shalala Shalala Shalala my back holds in terms of Eno food and tools and whatnot you get those you might have a knife too but yeah you usually just shoot fire I think he’s paid punches to the floor is just as well as punching to the Florida music suggest that there’s going to be something under there and then I I open a cabinet in my hand him a bundle of his stuff and he looks at it and he’s like I thought I thought you were going to put it into the floorboard
and I’m like why why would I do that
play what a horrible way and I don’t understand why he’s doing that we get our weapons without including his right in our weapon, and we hand him would and tools to repair the floor and it was they broke for no reason what if what if that will come out of our security guy that’s way better than what and pulls out late because there’s a little lateral but like for birds and then why has been so straightforward I open up the cabinet and I pull out like three bundles of stuff in the third bundle I put in front of him and he’s like he’s just finished like punching
do it took a while to break through and as he finishes I put the his stuff in front of Amigos what’s that it’s your stuff and he does what’s down here for lumber and Nails what are you what are you guys doing I think you saved the picture this one’s way worse but just to say it like he opens up he opens up the floor and he pulled out a box and there’s all these like golden assassin coins in and then you you put down the weapons and then Steve like puts the coin in like a quarter machine and bubblegum comes out of you just choose it
it’s like he was just doing that he’s just trying to get some gum
I said it was worse
but I think it’s better that you
or like he punches the floor and then it would he pulls out as a book that says like dealing with stress
anger management
why don’t we have to kill it what what are we doing yeah pigs he pulls out of book that says anger management and he goes like and we pull out a book from the cabinet that says Carpenter but also a book that says how to kill feral Hogs oh yeah we didn’t know it was very good okay that’s supposed to read that on our way back to the village and kill still some feral Hogs if we’re going to the treehouse on my rope belt my burlap robe my clerical cudgel I’m doing the
silverflame five-pointed genuflect doing the kind of our oxygen rich flame I burn eternally throughout the atmosphere may you. By those with your heat that cannot be purified by shadowy men
there’s Lumber and nails and stuff that I do take just because I have a spare pocket I I take a couple Nails just in case because any Adventure that goes into a dangerous situation if you get disarmed you want have something in your pocket you use as a weapon you never know when you have to home alone. I might I might have to Macaulay Culkin some some Joe Pesci’s
and I’m like those are for the joke
maybe we should maybe we should open the cellar and let all of these Cormac McCarthy the road cannibal people out of the face
edible victim is it sounded like I don’t know that groaning I just imagine if it was we already now that we have a we have a pit of people to a PT’s down there and the funny thing is I didn’t mean that punch that was totally accidental I did not intend that all alright I threw a couple Lumbers in my bag okay there and I’m suited up I’m like a fucking Avenger
you got your stuff and like to 6 ft long planks
all right off to the tree off to the tree kill some feral Hogs is being Infested by ghostly feral Hogs not go sleep isn’t there yeah they’re extraordinary all right so use like level 1 Hunger Games remember just like level 1
killing Hogs how many hospitals can we have some hog toenails this feels good wow we arrived at the tree I hope yeah you get to the tree it’s in a clearing like there’s there’s not trees right nearby it’s kind of like standing alone like creating its own space and there’s all these trees you see tons of scratch marks on the trees from you do pigs maybe and up at the top of the tree you can see it goes up real high and you can’t see where kagra is but when you get there a bunch of mouse appear on the tree like around the perimeter and they say oh you’re here what’s up check down there there’s the potato grenades there’s four or five whatever I spent on the water kind of thing more or less uncanny intercom system potato grenades you do that you take all of them oh boy
I took all of them let me know when you guys are ready
what are you looking to open the floodgates I’m going to do a pig call oh yeah are you guys right, but I can just make my hands but Balls of Fire there’s produce flame and then you have another one that lets you throw three flames and they have another one that lets you just shoot like a fire beam of some sort I choose you do that you’re producing two fires you’re holding fire it’s like the Human Torch right
I’m ready I have my sword out ready to fight alright Heavenly flamby silver among them as they reflect I let it run its license and we do and they make the Shadows Parish in front of your home that you purify the world is you. Find my soul silver flame burn eternally
we’re ready alright the mouse on the on the tree start linking madly out of there or was it sound like like that okay
attracts yeah
a bunch of pigs come charging through like not a bunch the first wave of pigs it says wave one there’s five pigs I pulled the PIN on my first potato grenade and I throw it toward the pigs you do that oh boy what could happen yeah what could I got to roll a dice go boy Pizza in their digital dice but they look like they can land cocked which is insane to me
talk means it’s between two sides all right it’s all the pigs
I got to roll.
How many plagues were there there were five pigs at least 8:16 damage those pigs explode in their blood sprays all over your body so yeah yeah you shower that brought like shit is it cuz you was really hard at first but now it’s actually hot fire burning kosher kosher a 5.9 engine Shenanigans all right you get covered in blood just just just DJ by poison blood
acid blood like aliens why do pigs got acid blood their feral
I love when you can I throw my Fireballs yeah but these ones are dead but the way to the last pigs all right
I don’t think you have proper Fireball fire II throat I throw some fires oh you throw him this is a craziest dice app I’ve ever had
all right you hit both of them
and you do 14 damage mobile work units they are mobile park plant fire know they just dirt they’re tough skin gets charged and it smells like bacon actually they eat 671 fire at each of them and one of them doesn’t get hit but then the pig they kind of rear up on two legs and you can see in their stomach there’s a giant to see Mama and then they kind of bend over backwards all weird horror style so the mama is like up like a like a snapping mouth and they’re kind of like Twisted backwards like body wash it when you’re up Carlos
turn pigs pigs that’s not a thing what is the distance what’s the range that were in the between us though they’re closed now they’re 15 ft alright I cast a righteous circle around my Camp Atria buffing their combat skills and increasing their confidence all right
you you consecrate the area that happens the pigs attack
they got back they missed the Ole Miss why are you mad why are you on their side it’s just sad when nothing happens you know they bite at you with their big Jaws but I guess even though this is potentially their true form they’re not really a jile and you find it easy to digest of their snapping mouths I’m some hot diarrhea right now
I’m so hot I pull out if I unpin it and I attempt to throw it directly into the underbelly mouth full of confidence oh boy you miss you hit behind them and they only take half damage which is 6
okay and I shoot a fire bolt at one of the pigs all right which one the one that has more damage or less I think the strongest one
this II
you start a fire
is it in the field know it’s in the it’s in the it’s raining Shrubbery next to the end of the clearing
cause light wounds oh yeah
they each get scraped
do harm you do harm you do 8 damage to one of the pig oboy it shrivels
is it at that one is one of the three so I got to a dead pig good here’s your order
whose turn is it I think Steve maybe it should we get another round but I pull out my sword and I typed
wake me up at 11 I’m so confident I’m going to charge you seem extra rip off my shirt take my sort out and my Shields are you at special sword shield attack you know what’s special about it I don’t know my character sheet okay you do it you hit it with your sword and then your Shield
the sword hits the shield doesn’t do damage because it’s like a shield you smack it but it doesn’t seem very bothered by it but your sword hits the other one for 336 damage 3606 it takes 6 damage and it’s fine it’s like I love this no it’s the pigs loves getting hit with a shield
alright the pig attacks Steve and it bites you with its Eldridge mouth oh no you like 60 damage you might be dying to tell if you have I don’t it was over 30 okay but I’m at I’m lost 30 lb now lost 30 so you’re not. It’s okay I’m a clerk
that’s true
I might take my
double shortbow yeah I think short bow and I and I and I fire off how many can I find out for once just one or two dice app it’s never giving me problems before I feel diarrhea Pepto-Bismol
arise young Soldier type of plan guys okay we each take a potato grenade pull the pin through it together. Just like let’s get rid of these guys let’s do it together as a team love the music in our hearts and the confidence in our bosom
all right all right it’s okay I take a potato grenades
you do that Carlos
count to three on the count of three one two
you can leave the side gentleman
3 they all explode killing the pigs with explosions yeah oh boy toppling over and you see a 15 ft tall Pig it’s got its got big armor plates and crab claws and it’s breathing fire we need to wait 15 feet at the shoulder okay like twice the size of a horse maybe is this is it possible to hack it from the inside kind of like Drax and card it’s it’s Parts sure that’s possible
where’s a 10 year old kid with a handgun when you need them that kid that shot what was it called what time Phila giant fucking pig the size of a goddamn SUV
is it looks like a Photoshop thing like a kid shot at with a handgun
damn I mean he probably needed to the thing was the size of a submarine
I ate it and he probably did a good thing you’re not worried about the giant 15 foot armor-plated crab Pig in front of us once you get to the size of a bus it’s like you did in front of us right now
are you did you guys ever heard of simulation Theory you don’t you don’t think it’s possible that we’re all just in some weird tabletop game I think simulation theory is like a compelling evidence that like religions are still possible way you could still be like you know what’s happening there’s a everyone’s hands everyone’s actually hands and that’s my religious beliefs are people like maybe that sounds great
Powerball if you hit you hit the underside at you hit like you you hit the gas canister on the underside of it up blows up like in a crazy explosion
this Pig was a robot
thank you all
Steven Spielberg as our guests next week
you say you’re sorry you just got a bad show no it’s fine it was fun Church everybody
Gamemaster fabulous Spencer Crittenden nightmare comptroller Jeff Davis your mayor Dan Harmon thank you all for coming
drive fast and take chances that could have beat on
you got pizza
Ariana thank you
I have no recollection
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